Recently, I have been mostly in a bad spot. I have realized that I have spun into this pattern of self-sabotage of not wanting to reach out to those that reach out to me for friendship and support. I live in fear of many actions that I have experienced in past experiences and relationships that came mostly from toxic people, although not all people are that way, I automatically jump to that theory because of having many toxic relationships and having skewed thoughts.
In reality, I continually put myself down time and time again because I choose to stay with the things that I have known all my life and keep me in my comfort zone. In fact it is what I have known most of my adult life and doing new things, as is the case in many autistic people can intensify anxiety where thoughts of doing something out of the norm can be very scary. I know that I have the skills necessary to endure once I break that initial fear, just as I do when I do anything that isn’t something I always fear like work and the day program. Once I break the fear and see that it isn’t that bad, I master what I choose to endure and do so greatly. In fact, I am proud that I did such a thing because there is a sense of being who I want to be and associate with people who are positive influences.
However, it is in those moments when it becomes difficult to divert from those negative, intrusive thoughts that are at that moment, irrational, but as they pass or I get a hold onto reality, I can see what is rational versus irrational. In the meantime, I call myself a bunch of names because I feel so sorry for myself although I know what I need to do in order to get out of that bad spot and focus on the positive influences in my life while steering clear of the negative ones. I have to learn that there is life beyond all that I have been involved in my adult life and there are other people beside those networks that actually care about me and want to check on me to see if I am OK and likewise, I know I can be a support for them too if I open myself up to them.
Opening myself is the point where I feel as if I am not good enough for the person or wonder why they would want to be interested in what I have to say or offer them. I continually see everything wrong in life and avoid to let any of the happiness in that when it does, I refuse to let it into my life for fear that it is only temporary and will not be there forever. I do realize that nothing in life is to be in life forever, but I do deserve happiness, don’t I? Why should I be miserable all the time and try to continually self-sabotage myself when there is no reason not to?
Being in my mid-30s, the excuses are over and as such I am tired of being miserable. Life is what it is for now, but I know that doesn’t mean that I have to continue to be miserable or continually think of all the bad things in life as there are so many of them and less of what is good in life! I realize that I need to be more positive about things while taking care of myself so I don’t self-sabotage myself to the point that it can be difficult to bounce back from when those thoughts get deep. I need to reach out for support when I need them and realize that I need to make the connections that are positive and push away rectified and stronger for not only my personal benefit but for themselves too. This world can make everyone feel so lonely, and I know that people care about me, so I need to do the right thing and be there for them just as they want to be there for me. Maybe, by strengthening the positive connections in my life, while not thinking about the negative ones or pushing myself away or making excuses of why I can’t answer someone because I know I want that connection, I just fear it and self-sabotaging it and living in fear will only make it worse in the end.