Reflections: Pushing Myself Away From Social Connection

One of the traits of my being autistic is being socially awkward. While I have come a long way in understanding the social nuances of the world, there’s times of connecting with others that has caused a regression of wanting to extend myself out again with the feeling of being hurt or rejected for who I am, although in many cases, I am assured that is not the case and I am accepted for who I am.

In discussion with my support professionals, I share that I have people that extend themselves trying to interact socially with me. Coming from a very rough friendship over the past two or so years and continually having to live with the opportunity to be influenced to give in to their ways is extremely challenging as as such has caused me to regress and push others away because I know that I don’t want to go down the path that I was brought down, albeit myself being in a not so good state of mind back then.

I have realized that I was very vulnerable back then as a result of me trying to accept who I am individually, however not taking care of myself mentally opened the door to me falling into their vulnerable behaviors that has taken time for me to realize that continue to be unhealthy and triggering for me. I have had to employ some strong defense mechanisms in order to properly protect myself from falling into the trap again.

Experiencing all of that misery has caused me to push away from those that extend themselves from wanting to be something as simple as a friend. It is even being in fear of responding to a message because I am so anxious that the outcome will be and what COULD happen by responding. I am in fear of falling into the same trap that I had to dig myself out of and continually have to keep a strong boundary around. 

Pushing myself away from others has caused me to feel lonely and regress greatly to where being independent can be difficult. I realize that there are several people out there in the world. There are good people and bad people, but I continually look and worry how someone can damage me more than being able to see that they are a genuine person and not as those in my past friendships that were very toxic, controlling and damaging. You live from past mistakes and I have accepted them. 

It can be hard to open myself up again, especially after being hurt from past experiences. It can be hard to let someone into my world where I could open myself up to the potential triggering situations amid other nuances that my protrude difficulty for me to endure. I know I have good qualities and am a good person. Being fearful of opening myself further makes it more difficult to be a good person and brings down my overall morale, making experiencing life’s challenges more difficult to endure.

I have goals and dreams in life of wanting social connection, but experiencing all that I have has made it extremely difficult to work through past situations and move forward and be who I want to be in life and be a citizen of society, despite the challenges that I experience in life. I know that I am a valuable person to so many and I guess it is what keeps me going and not feeling any more hopeless than I do. Knowing that there are people out there that value me means the world and lets me know that I am not alone in this world that seems so small, yet is so huge.

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