Sometimes in an autistic person’s life there are times we don’t realize that we were the person we were and sometimes it can be hard to realize that others knew who you were all along. Also knowing that you were OK to be the person who you were meant to be all along is good and well too.
Throughout over three decades of my life, I have been through so much of everything in my life. It is hard to put it into one word. It is a lot of things in a mixed bag of emotional rollercoasting and trauma that has finally been on a good and level track for the better. Getting here wasn’t easy and even as recently hasn’t been, but it is getting better, I am making amends with my past and moving forward into the life that I am choosing to live. It may not be completely out of the woods where I want to be in life, but it is the small things that matter.
Things that we as autistic people see, want, know and do do not have to make sense to others known to us. There are things as anyone in general wants to do that doesn’t make sense but we as individuals with insight know if we can do it, we should because it will make us a happier person. Those that love and help us worry if we will be hurt, become vulnerable or victimized as a result of us as autistic people opening our world up to others. However, if we stay within our own world, we will remain in a world that we just cannot be happy within, rather when others tell us to choose happiness, we have to find what works for us and what makes us happy.
Sometimes for autistics such as myself, it means putting myself out there and being a friend to others, making connections with those with similar interests and thoughts in life. It means that I have to take the leap that for nearly a decade and a half I feared so badly that I couldn’t even look at a person on the device that I would be communicating with them. This took a lot of time to get to a comfort level., understanding norms and levels/circles of friendships that necessitate keeping a conversation going.
Until I began to blossom at these social pragmatics, I was known as a genuine asshole and I often thought the same of others of the same style. That often brought the communication between us to a standstill between the parties and not making things move forward. Specifically for the last three or so years, I was under the assumption that being unmedicated allowed me to open up socially. As I slowly get back on track, I am learning that medicine has nothing to do it. In fact, it helps me control pragmatics such as oversharing or obsessing over certain topics that others may not want to hear about.
It takes coming clean about the truth and knowing that repairing the damage not only from that but from decades of damage will not happen overnight. It takes repair, understanding and grace before things are grasped in a better place than they were left.It isn’t as easy as the damage you did, but repairing and moving forward is such worth the work and you can own it too,
I am no longer blaming others for my faults and allowing myself to increasingly be myself again and while knowing my boundaries and limits, allowing myself to make things right with my life and make it the best life I can because I finally deserve to be happy for once.