In my life as an autistic person, the (dys)regulation of my emotions can be extremely absurd. In moments for me to be happy I can be angry about them because they free me from what I initially want free of, but at that point I want to be with the only thing that I want to get away from.
This is one of the challenges of being in my autistic capacity. If something happens that I want to be free of I can still point out the negative thing about it and go round and round with all the reasons why I don’t deserve it when in fact it is what I want. In reality, does it seem surreal to actually get my ultimate dream and have moments now where I can actually live the life that I want to live and not realize that I have to live in constant worry that something bad is going to happen or be so angry at the world, likely at those that help and love me because somehow I find it gratifying to share in my perceived senseless misery that is not necessary, It, my friends is the autism and it rages all the time like a sore thumb.
It seems that no matter what happens in my life to make it good, I always play the pity song and want select people to join in my miser, but in the eyes of those that I wouldn’t want to put that front on, I act as if nothing happens, as if I am masking what I am putting on or truly feeling because I know that it will not get the attention or cause them to walk away. Likewise when those I am vindictive to want to walk away, it instantly angers that I reverse my train of thought so I can win them back in my life as if it didn’t even happen. I wish it wasn’t that way.
Sometimes I think it is out of sole lack of ability to entertain myself properly or stay focused on something for a long period of time that causes me to only revert to that negative behavior and want to sometimes reach out to them in a negative connotative manner so they sympathize with me to make me feel valid but in reality, there is nothing wrong. I know it looks as if it is a pathological behavior and indeed it can be that and I wish it could stop somehow in my life because I know that for all these people have done for me in my very inner circle they do not deserve the energy that I am feeding them.
I also know that it is catalyst of why I have such a hard time to indeed adult and face the realities of the things that I must endure to maintain my independence and optimal wellness, as if they are these things that I intend to want to inflict misery upon those and want those I to suffer for something that I think is wrong when in fact I know that is certainly not true and people are not in the wrong it is my train of thinking and inability to properly regulate my thought process of something, likely because of the need to continually rewire and redirect myself away from that former way of thinking so that I can for once enjoy my life and do only what I really enjoy doing and not split it up between the times I thrown myself in bed or on the couch throwing the pity parties of how horrible things are when in fact I have a really good life and am a very privileged life.
That goes without saying I do in my right mind recognize that I am more fortunate than others and I know that there are SEVERAL others that have many more challenges for me . I am the one that reaches on my platforms throughout the spectrum because I have been everywhere in the same spectrum in my life and can relate to everyone as well as families because I have seen them suffer as a result of my actions and the wanting for me to have my best life and just wanting to figure out the best way to do that and have me a part of their life. So that is why I never bash any voice advocating for those I advocate because I can not only see it, I often co-regulate with it too and it takes an near-equal toll on me too.
It goes to say that it can be so hard to have a concrete understanding of why I go through these things, but they are indeed a true example of why I go through them and cannot properly regulate my emotions. I often overthink things and many suffer as a result of it and yes, there are things that I just don’t scope the reality on, but as it seems surreal to enjoy life, it’s like starting anew and trying to find something fresh when you don’t know what it is.