Reflections: Why Can’t I Just Be Happy???

Most of my life, I was never truly, genuinely happy. I often act as if I don’t deserve happiness in my life or that I have to continually point out something wrong in my life to complain or gripe about, however to many I can point out many things to be thankful for. It is like this weird state of feeling that never seems to go away.

As an autistic man, I have come so far in my journey and that having been in some really challenging places throughout my life is nothing short of understanding only a small fraction of what other autistics of all walks of life go through. I am proud of being autiistic and understand what challenges that not only autistics experience, but all parties involved with them experience and how many lives are disrupted as a result of autism. 

After many experiences over several decades it seems surreal in a sense to be in a place where I can just live. I know I have been saying this for a couple of weeks now, but it has gotten to the point where there is little, if anything at times to fight. It leaves a empty space in my life and many times I want to fill it with negative thinking and make others feel miserable because somewhere in my mind I think they deserve it.

I know that I will always have my autism and there will be challenges not only because of it but having other comorbidities and challenges, they are now just occurring few and far between. However, it is like I continually have to overreact to think that there is going to be something bad to happen in my life because it seems like I don’t deserve as much freedom as I have now. It has taken a lot of work to get to this point and I know it wasn’t easy on me or others. I know what I need to do and it seems weird to be in a moment where I can just breathe and be who I am for once.

My body often overreacts to things that I think I need to worry about. It makes me want to get into a protective mode and want to not think that I can actually expand my likes and life to things that I may enjoy and be a part of that would make my life a little happier and less worrisome and constantly thinking in a catastrophic state of gloom and doom. It’s like I am not allowed to think that way or that anything of the like is risky and scary to do because something really bad will happen and we will go back down a negatively affected path. 

I won’t lie and say I worry about the future and what it will bring. It still seems surreal to have to constantly be worrying about something causing a challenge. I also know that time is moving fast and I have to embrace the time that I have left in my life, particularly with my loved ones because there is no guarantee how much longer that they will be in my life or be able to do the things for me that they help me with . I need to stop being so ungrateful for what I don’t have and just be happy for once in my life without constantly worrying about everything wrong in my life. I have worked my tail off to get where I am in my life and I need to share the love that others gave to me and be reciprocal of it and give back to to them as well, because you know what? They deserve to be happy too for what they have done for me and I for many times overlooked them because I was so selfish and not able to see the good instead focusing on the positive in the situation.

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