A Journal Entry, Uncategorized

Be Honest

If I must be honest, it has not been the easiest of weeks. It can be my fault at times.

Many times, I just want to throw in the towel and let go of everything.

I just want to hide from it all, but I know that is not the answer.

It is never the answer.

I must keep running as I know that there are others that depend on me to be in their lives.

Things do not go to plan, but I know I must be better at bouncing back when mistakes happen.

If I do not, they just take longer and harder to bounce back from the damage that has been done.

There are times when I do not recognize or see this. I keep going in the bad direction.

I know it is wrong and that I am not myself.

If you spend weeks, months and years keeping the same pattern and do not try to make things right once and for all, sometimes you think, why bother?

Being honest as an autistic person hurts. We do not like to call out our own faults.

We feel ashamed of what we have done because inside we know what we have done is wrong.

But when the behavior keeps cycling repeatedly, it becomes obvious and tiring.

However, I know if I do not be honest to who I need to be, the problem will never go away.

I know that people want to help me, but if I mask as if it is not happening, then it will never go away.

Eventually others know when the behavior is happening if not addressed, so it is time to be honest.

However, I cannot beat myself up about my faults, for I know the consequences could worsen if the behavior continues.

If I do be honest and address the white elephant that everyone sees in me, then I will never be happy with myself.

This also means that I must do better at my flaws and the work that is needed to make things better.

Not just be passive and be continually honest, no matter how much it hurts.

It is damaging and hurting to me and everyone it involves, and dancing around is not helping.

Therefore, it is time to just be honest.

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