Because of several changes to my schedule over the years, many times my anxiety can play into me being unhappy with my life. It can sometimes run over into other feelings like anger, but most of all, these feelings have become redundant and never seem to end, so it makes me wonder if I will just be happy for once?
It has stemmed from my childhood when my negative behaviors were always pointed out and I never seemed to do anything right in my life. I was always known and seen as the “kid that had a problem.” Running the gamut of diagnoses until I was 13 and even not being able to find qualified professionals to properly guide me, although they did their best to help me, going through facilities, therapies, etc through my childhood, while experiencing many other factors of my life that I suppressed or kept to myself well into adulthood did not help the situation.
I cannot point the fingers at my parents as they only did what they thought was in my best interest. In fact they prevented me from being in a worse predicament than I was in. It took time and even as I came of age, processing my feelings still wasn’t the best outcome. After graduating high school, I sought additional help before embarking on my post-secondary journey and then coming back to square one with nothing for some time didn’t necessarily help in me finding happiness. I did return to where I started where I left off after graduating high school before eventually landing my job over 12 years ago and going back to school for one of my goals, yet I still was in this state of gloom and doom that still didn’t go away.
It took years of therapy and several tries before securing independence for the first time and in fact because I did not properly care for myself and things both began to decline both on mine and the property’s fault, I had little opportunity to be happy, ultimately being unable to live there and the lockdowns resulted in me hitting rock bottom and finally where I moved in my present home two years ago.
Yet, I just couldn’t find happiness. I constantly had pointed out flaws with others and why I thought they had affected me, when in fact as time went on, things got better. I allowed myself to entertain the thoughts and attempt to involve myself in matters that were not necessary to enter my headspace. These unneeded thoughts would take space in my head and repeat themselves over and over without me being able to divert and take initiative and just keep my mind busy with things to do.
It isn’t like I don’t have things to do. There are countless unfinished projects and objects around the house that could be done. There are times when I just can’t let the silliest of things go that many times does not need to be in my headspace to make my life miserable or do what I consider waste or take time from things that could be more enjoyable for me to do.I know it is unhealthy to think those thoughts and sometimes I express them to loved ones and those I care for. I enter the fight mode of anxiety and want to run away from what I think is a problem without just doing what I need to do for myself to go through the motions for me to be well,
At times these thoughts of speaking up is when I know that the thoughts are untrue and speaking them with the passion that I will have without being able to maintain a filter on what I say are possible and as such I recognized one of those moments a few weeks ago and realized that I needed to be on my own for awhile and not be interrupted and surround myself deep in thought and music, which at the right moments can help ground me and is a lifesaver for enduring what I need to endure in my life outside the home in many instances.
I am thankful that I have established a history among my peers and mentors that if I convey to them that I need alone time, they completely understand my need to do so and oftentimes let me be because they know interrogating will only open up the opportunities to react negatively in an environment that never want to do . It has been over a year since I have had a meltdown and I hope not to have one for a long time.
It is what I make it, I am starting to turn a corner because I know what I need to do to be happy. I need to just let go of the things I cannot control and focus on the things I need to do and enjoy along with being a friend to those that want to be genuine friends to me. It has taken a lot of work for me to get to the point of my life where I have so much to be thankful for and so little to worry about. It is time to just end the year on a good note and be happy for once in my life.