If you noticed in my feature blog last week, I titled it “Why Can’t I just be happy for Once? It goes without saying that as soon as I wrote that post, I began to feel better about myself and have a whole different outlook on life as a result of seeing life in a different way.
If anything I am wanting and trying harder than ever to end the battle I have been fighting throughout my independence with the adherence to my medication regimen, In the past few weeks, I have been solidly following my regimen because I am retraining my brain, with the help of therapy to realize the need of the medicine in my own way and not letting the thoughts I was told about it for decades prior to my independence build up in my system and cause me to overreact and go into survival mode.
Knowing that I can be the person that I want to be in a well and balanced manner and accepting the fact that I am not the person that I believe that I was always going to be because I allowed myself to believe things about the medicine, my lifestyle and many other things that it was what my brain was allowing it to do and that made me live on survival mode not caring for myself in the way that I need to.
I can say that I am more mature than I have been in some time and I can actually live more independently because I can think for myself, on my own. I do not need to seek the attention and validation of others to be entertained, because I am able to entertain myself and take care of my needs in a very good way with a more balanced lifestyle and not showing the signs that make it obvious that I am in need of additional care and enforcement.
It is the acceptance that I can take the meds in the leeway and when they best work for me. In fact, I advocated to the pharmacy to have them packaged accordingly so I do not have to continue the practice of separating one dose into two, If it is more fit for me to combine them because of the schedule of the day, then I can do it, however on most days, the daily routine provides a window between the 12-hour interval of the other necessary medication and the medication I have been struggling with, which I discovered works better to administer before retiring for the evening.
In my opinion it is the fact that alongside the medicine, it is doing things in my time, in my way. To even get to the point of independence was a long process, then to have it uprooted and go through two moves in just five months, to realize that it took me two years to mature enough to accept that the medicine that I have been messing with for over four years is a bad thing to do and only causes harm instead of good is something that took a long time to come to terms with. It took lots of interventions, masking, sleeping, etc. to pass into survival mode to accept that it is not the way that I want to live my life and start turning it around and work at make my life better for once instead of continually live in a loop of gloom and doom all the time, only further causing frustration with those that I love, further straining the relationship that must be endured.
I know I need to turn my life around for the better because those that love me will not be here forever and I never want to leave the last words I say to them negative or hurtful. They do so much for me and for years all I did was complain or point out things, It still isn’t perfect, there are flaws that happen, but bouncing back is easier and working through the motions that must be endured in order to live the life with the challenges of my life is something that is to be expected. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am today. Acknowledging that has made me begin to accept the compliments given to me for the hard work along with giving myself grace when things do not go as smoothly as I would like them to , that is how autism is, we never can be our best at all times.. There are going to be flaws and factors in our lives that cause challenges for us to exist in a world that wasn’t made for us.