I often state that I am grateful for the relationship with my parents. However, I have had many moments where I did not act that way. There were times when I acted like a spoiled brat to my parents. I wanted to make them feel bad for me. I thought making them feel that way would help me feel better about myself. Over the past few years, I learned that acting this way towards others would cause concern. Yet, I treated my mother specifically as a verbal punching bag. I did it for no reason other than my self-gratification.

Granted, since I was a teenager, I was abusive in many ways towards my parents. My mother was often the target of my aggression. This happened when things did not happen the way that I wanted them. It also occurred when I did not want to do something. Within the past 15 or so years, my actions have become solely verbal manipulation in a few instances. I used it to make her feel bad for me. Nowadays, she certainly doesn’t deserve that treatment. In fact, I need to be grateful and thankful, which I can do in my right mind. I should also honor and respect her more than I do now.

I have made this a goal in 2026 to be better at honoring my mother and father. This is indeed one of the ten commandments. It is part of wanting to have a better relationship with the Lord this year. I realized that I needed to do this to get on the right path towards being a Christian. I have had to learn that it is not proper to pretend I can charm everyone in the world. I know how to conduct myself in many spaces. But, this does not apply when it is just my mother and me.

This was an issue that I have experienced for a while. It was the one thing I noticed that I never wanted to do. I couldn’t do what was needed to better myself. I always believed I manipulate my mother because she had a heart of gold. I made her do things that made me the center of attention. In reality, I am a grown man, autism or not. I have the power to be a better person. I did not let myself be that person around her. I believed I had the ability to change.

Often I see many scenarios where families of special needs have their breaking point with the individual. I have begun to fear as my mother gets older. I worry that I may not be in my right mind at some point. I might say the wrong thing at the wrong time. This could strain our relationship to a point that becomes overwhelming for her. It is in those moments that we, as autistic individuals, do not see the dangers of our actions. We fail to realize how consequential they can be to our loved ones. I know that I have to do better to prevent that point from being reached.

The autistic brain can work in many ways. With the right understanding, knowledge, and power, it knows right from wrong. In fact, I have known the right way to act for a long time. I also know how to work to cope with challenging situations. It is now time to put what I know to practice.