Finally, The Right Side of the Coin

In spending over three years of this rumspringa of sorts, I think I have finally accepted the fact of what is part of my life and what cannot be changed. I have realized that doing the right thing is not the fact that people that advise it are telling me as a way of revenge,but because they see my best interests at heart. I must continue on the right side of the coin, despite whatever I am thinking the opposite.

I have fought the battle over the past three years as to whether the medication I was taking was beneficial for me. Eventually, I would see the error of my ways being played out in a manner that others saw. Yet, after being told this, I was still very revengeful and reluctant to admit that the medication that was prescribed was indeed beneficial for me. For two years after being told how it presented itself in front of others, I still played around thinking I could go on all-night manias and hyper manias because I didn’t want to shut down from the day’s events.

What I didn’t realize was that eventually I would run out of energy and I would eventually crash, be cranky and of no use to anyone. I knew this, yet I continued to flirt with this technique like it was a gateway to solving my problems.When my behaviors began to exhibit themselves, I would mask them as much as I could, but those in immediate closeness to me would realize that I wasn’t following my medication regimen. I let everyone down in my capability to be my best and in many months not be as regimented as I was presenting myself.

In fact, I know when I am exhibiting behaviors that are out of the norm. I am super paranoid about everything and what others think about me, thinking that everyone is “ganging” up on me to get me to be in their court. As a result, I continually converse with others as a way of seeking attention as a tactic to make sure that everything is OK in the world. Then after I mask, all I can do is crash, that is, lay in bed until the cycle is repeated again, if not circumvented by the administration of the medicine that I believe is harsh on my body.

Over the past three or so years, I continue to believe that this certain med isn’t helpful because I believe it makes me sleep excessively. Yet, I am not ruling out other factors that could be contributing to my need to sleep excessively. Is it the fact that I indeed have not gotten a decent amount of sleep in a very long time? Could it be because of other health factors? I’m not  sure. Maybe because I have had a stressful chain of events that I haven’t compensated enough rest for the energy said events had caused me to exert.? The sad thing is that I never consulted with the doctor prescribing the medicine before attempting this three years ago, something that should have been done first and foremost.

Finally, it has taken a journey of self-discovery to realize the fact that ALL medication should be taken as prescribed, because while I have had a majority of the medicines for at least a decade and a half, It has been proven for so long and has been a driver to my success. Not getting back on track will only keep me in the same place that I am in without any potential to advance in my journey.I must realize this and the fact that what is being prescribed is beneficial and not a personal decision of those in authoritative power as as a way to hurt me, rather it was proven even before I met most of the people in my day program, job etc. 

Those in supportive roles only want to see the best for me too and because they know me through my close involvement could read through the lines and see me when I wasn’t my best. Realizing that the medicine is to help me and not hurt me is something that I had to come to terms with. As such, if it is written in my goal plan with the services I receive tio work on this element in my recovery then I need to do that, and that is what I did last week. I created a routine chart for myself to have a wind down routine for each evening along with researching and choosing an app for reminding myself to take my medicine. Additionally, I set an alarm in my Fit Bit so that I do not forget to dose at nighttime. The important factor is that I take all the medicine prescribed to me and not go back down the path I have been going down.

While this is a continual internal battle that I face frequently, I must realize that I must follow the right path and do what is right because in the end, everyone will enjoy being around me and I can be my best when I am fully medicated, rested and able to be my best person.

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