Last week was a very challenging week. Yet, part of my personal outcome was the result of my need to become an adult and realize my need to mature. As much as I have learned in this recent journey, I am still at times reluctant to grow up and do the things I need to do to manage the days ahead.
It isn’t like I wasn’t given notice of the impending changes. I have to credit my day program staff greatly for making me aware of the changes as soon as they were aware of them last week. What the issue was and it was my responsibility was the fact that I reacted to them in the way that shouldn’t have been. While I did not react to the person responsible for the change. I reacted to others when I knew that the responsibility was indeed mine to handle and that I needed to do what was necessary to get through the change without incident.
Another part of being mature is the need to understand that you cannot get beyond where you are if you are not willing to make the effort to move on past where you are just because the present situation is comfortable to you. The fact of the matter is that the primary issues that were behind the anxiety and the need to mature are the fact that they are avenues needed to access my job.
While I am ever thankful for having my day program for providing me the services they provide to me, I must realize that one day I must go. This July I will have been there over 16 years solid and while I have done many things towards working on getting out of the need to rely on the need of their services for work, yet I do things to stunt the process because I experience anxiety of doing the things that I need to do to get out of the predicament that I am so I can move on to greater things.
Part of stunting my way to start to move on is the fact of the need to be more regimented. Although it is a stereotype of being autistic, I do struggle when I am not on a regimen and as a result, I fall off the wayside of my mental wellness. I realized that if I want to move on with my life beyond what it is, then I must finally do the right thing and literally grab the bull by the horns and work on what is needed, this includes the need to set things such as routines when needed to aid in my independence. Additionally having the necessary Apps on my phone to aid in whatever efforts that can be helped can aid in that effort too.
I say that I take my mental health recovery seriously, yet in some areas that I want to hold guilt and shame that I have been reluctant to progress in, I hide from those that want to help me. I have the services in place to help me for a reason and if I am not open with those that intend to help me because it may show that I haven’t been living as I was saying that I was, then I am only hurting myself in that process. Those around me know when I am not following my medication regimen and can see a total eclipse of change when I am not doing the things to take care of myself. Yet, because I do not address the elephant in the room because they are afraid I will react to it in a negative manner, the responsibility lies within my court to solve and if I want to address it, then it is up to me to do so.
Last week has taught me that I need to work on not playing the games that I am playing that cause me to become immature. Life is not worth the challenges that bring upon myself that could be solved by counteracting the elephant in the room head on so that I can be an example to others instead of flirting with disaster. I have to be the one to tackle what is needed to be done so I can get on the right track to being more mature and able to be more independent.