One time my late grandmother called what was one of my last outbursts in public as an ‘escapade.’ Back then, I did not want to hear her sage advice about living a caffeine-free lifestyle. Over a decade later, I would understand how important it was to control my behaviors and mood.

Every time I hear the song ‘escapade’ by Janet Jackson, I stop. I can’t help but think about what she has said about my intake of caffeine-free beverages. Over two years ago, I was hesitant. After my first relapse and a meltdown, I became conscious about making a switch to better beverages. It was hard to make the change, but I realized it was vital for my mental health. My behaviors and moods were at stake, as well as my ability to function outside my home. By valuing what was important, I did what was right for my mental health and mood.

In time, I realized that making better decisions to manage my mood and behavior paid off. Things got better for me. I also knew that I was more than what my escapades were. I had to start seeing myself as a better person. I was not just the negativity I allowed myself to become by not caring for myself. I had to learn to understand the importance of being mindful of what I was putting into my body. This mindfulness would help me live the life I wanted and be the person I needed to be. I realized that my negative behavior was not the only thing holding me back.

I had to see that I was more than the negative things that were happening in my life. Yes, they did happen. They indeed need to be learning experiences. Nonetheless, they were not the only thing that was about me. I have so much more to contribute. I can be the good person that I am without being the party pooper. I don’t have to feel down and out about myself all the time. I had to let go of all that negativity that I was holding in my head all the time. I believed I had to carry the weight of the negative things I did on my shoulders. I thought it was holding me back from being the excellent person I can be.

Yes, there are many bad experiences that I would like to forget. But they are learning experiences that have taught me that I need to keep myself in line each day. It reminds me to take care of my mental health as needed. I make sure I keep things in order for my well-being. This allows me to do what I need to do to be and stay independent. I know that I am capable of doing the things that keep me in line. I am more powerful than I sometimes let myself believe. I am more than the escapades that I have had. By caring for myself, I know that many things are good for me. This goes beyond the meltdowns, outbursts, and episodes that I had in the past.