Managing My Feelings

Feelings for me as an autistic person can at times be challenging to manage. My brain is flawed in a sense to continually see the wrong if I am not occupied or in good spirits. It can be easy to continually see and point out the bad, but there are now more times that I see the good.

It can be hard to see past the one or two flaws in the day or a moment that are sometimes triggered by trauma and realize that all things considered, I am doing quite well. There are at times some thoughts that get really dark and if I do not allow myself to reel them in control, they loop and I dig myself deeper in the trap.

It is essential that I climb myself out of that misery and state of self-pity. It can be hard to see that things aren’t really that bad, even though my therapist made a sign a few years ago that I have on my bulletin board that I am overreacting and that reality is not that bad! It can be hard to see that at times when I get into a cocoon and want all my problems to go away.

The reality is that I do not have any problems. My skewed brain lives off of flawed thoughts of what I think I can control and if I do not bring myself back, I run with it. This causes anger and rough inner scripting and can be very challenging to me. It makes it hard to focus on anything else and get a grasp on the task at hand and just be satisfied with life once.

I have so much going for me and it can be hard to point that out if I don’t really think about what I really need to focus on and not the things that I cannot control in the given moment. It is likely that what I am feeling is just a personal frustration and is not going to fix the problem at hand. The reality is that I am safe and emotionally stable and that I am just overthinking like the paper on my bulletin board has said for several years, yet the thoughts play over and over again at times because of prolonged trauma or being exposed to toxic behavior of others that I can not at times diffuse and filter away.

Life can be so much better for me and I can be so much happier if I do away with the things I realize that I cannot control or that makes me feel bad about myself. The reality is also that everyone has these moments but for an autistic person, they just aren’t as intense in neurotypicals and can be better managed at times. Its just hard to see through the tall grass of negative or what I think are negative thoughts and see that I am doing quite well, all things considered.

My brain has years of damage from always having pointed out the wrong that I was doing and not having as much praise as I should have. I cannot blame anyone for that, they were just trying to make life as manageable as they could. It makes me walk constantly on virtual eggshells thinking of what I am doing wrong. This is triggered by being pressured that there is a time and place for interests and behavior,which there is. But, when there is those instances you can sense that you think you are in the wrong, you just want the problem resolved so you can breathe easier and move on.

In reality, I know I am doing well and realize that I need to seek more positivity in my life and less negativity in order to have a more balanced life so it does not cause a setback in managing my feelings and reacting negatively with others.