Adulting, Independence

Adulting: Deflecting

A few weeks ago, while watching TV, I discovered the term deflection. It is a defense mechanism that people use to take the blame off of themselves. When they are deflecting, they are trying to make themselves feel less bad for their wrongdoings. This likely happens due to past experiences of being in trouble for things.

Growing up in a unique family dynamic,I was always called out for my faults. Yes, I did things and I cannot lie about that, but the approach was different than it needed to be, that is for sure. I always sense that I am in trouble or that I am going to be in trouble for something I may have done. I constantly second guess every move I make and as such have a heightened state of anxiety when I am triggered by certain things because I feel I was a contribution to it happening.

It can also be the reason why I struggle in tackling the problems in my life. I have to admit that for the longest time, I never wanted to admit that I have problems with things. It is making layers of excuses why you can’t do something. On top of that, being autistic, having a fear of change,  I constantly fear that something will go wrong or that I will get in trouble for something. 

For me, it is the fact that I want to better myself even more than where I am now, yet I keep deflecting by playing the blame game or making excuses as to why I can’t do it. I know once I do it, I will like it, but my anxiety makes making that move so difficult because I fear it not working out or being penalized for something. 

Autistics are often victimized because they are so naive or gullible by being easily led down the wrong path.I have done the work over the past two decades to prevent this from happening in my life. Seeing this happen to so many people brings this more to light. Yet, it is the thing that creates the heightened sense of anxiety and prevents me from doing what is right, even though I will have a better outcome by doing so. 

There are so many things I can do that will make my life better and make feel more optimistic about my life, but because I often feel a sense of judgment, criticism or sense that I am not doing something the right way, I worry that it may not work out for me and it will crash to a screeching halt and it can be the worst thing that will happen in my life. While I can often be seen as the person that no one has never had nothing but positive things to say about me, I sense that one bad apple will traumatize me for a long time, that is why the anxiety is heightened when wanting to do things that are different or are initially hard to start.

I will also make snide remarks to laugh off things that I need to do to better myself because I find laughter in it and feel it hides the problems without tackling it head on as I need to do. I constantly make excuses as to why I can’t, won’t or shouldn’t do something. Its like I often set myself up to fail from the start and why I cannot dedicate myself to something and make it a habit. I often feel as if I am a failure when doing something or that it will never be done the right way.  It’s constantly worrying if I am doing the right thing and I am making a difference for the better. 

I am hoping as 2023 progresses that I make a change for the better and work at beating the anxiety that keeps me from doing the things that I know that will make my life better and not play the blame game or continue to deflect the need that I need to take care of myself once and for all.

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