For what has seemed like forever, I have been ruminating on thoughts that are no longer valid or true. At the beginning of the year, I learned a valuable lesson. I realized the key was not to pay attention to the thoughts I was thinking. Instead, I needed to focus on doing what was necessary to avoid dwelling on negative thoughts. There’s no need to worry about them because they have been enmeshed in my mind for so long. They are simply what my brain defaults to thinking.

Often what I have thought has often been transpired into delayed echolalia. Part of that is fueled more when I indulged it with similar scripts. These were things that caused the thoughts to emulsify and strengthen in my mind. I didn’t realize that watching things that fascinated me, but were unhealthy, only made things worse. While scrolling through social media in one of these moments, I came across a content creator. They made me realize I had to stop paying attention to the thoughts. With time, the end of these thoughts would start to after being there for so long.

My mind allowed me to ruminate on things of the past. I allowed myself to feed on the energy they brought to me. This was especially true when they frustrated me for no necessary reason. I was led to believe things that I did not need to believe. I have begun to realize that times change. I need to let go of what I had held on to for so long. Times change, and so do the ways that things are done. Many of the things I would ruminate and overthink about no longer existed. Still, my mind wanted to dwell on the hurt. I wanted to feel this hurt, even though deep down I know things are much better now. I know that I will always be safe. There is a part of me that wants to hold on to the hurt that I want to feel. Yet, it is not necessary to do so. It is certain that things can never happen that way again. Nor will they ever be allowed to be.

At times, I want to believe or feel something about the past. I think that things should be done the way they used to be. This year, I have begun to accept that with systematic changes. These changes have secured the way things are now. That must be the way I am willing to accept things because it is the best for all involved. Even if others do not think that is the case, I am confident. My mental health is in the best place. I know deep down that I am in my right mind. I have never been as willing to do the things I need to. This willingness has increased over the last few years. The things that I want to think about no longer exist.

I now know that it is up to me to do what is best for myself. I must work in earnest to get rid of the ruminations that I have experienced for so long. Part of that involves working as I have been this year. My goal is to get away from the scripts and things that bring them on. I know there is so much the world has to offer that does not make me feel stuck. I am aware that the old ways used to bring me down so much.