One of the traits of being autistic is the fact that we see things in “black and white” and hardly any “gray” areas of a situation. For the longest time, I struggled with the fact that things have to be exactly as they need to be or they can’t be right.
Not only having me live this way through my life coupled with living the life of being pointed out my faults has been the double whammy of sorts of learning to come to terms with the fact that life isn’t perfect and things don’t go to plan. I often preach this to others when abrupt change happens because in that realm I know in that effect it is true, but what is the effect of my life? It is because it can be hard to see things as more than one way or than another. For years in my mind , it has been an all or nothing way of thinking, there is no medium or compromise in anything.
I cannot blame anyone for not trying to make me see beyond this style of thinking. My parents tried to learn the skills to make me compromise or be flexible and to some degree things slowly became better as I came of age. But as far as my own mind goes, it can be hard to accept the reality that “life happens” and things are not going to be perfect.
It also takes the fact of learning that things cannot always be perfect. Mistakes are going to come in life through our senselessness and not to be so critical of myself when they do. I simply have to realize that I need to do what I need to do to get on track and move on. It comes with having the mind power to know that you are not a failure just because something didn’t go the way that it needed to go. As long as things are repaired and you can move on with your life, then there is no harm done. You learn and grow from those experiences.
In my frame of mind it is like you are constantly microscoping yourself thinking that you are going to get in trouble for not doing something right or not going the right way. It can be as if it can only happen the way that it needs to and everything is askew if it doesn’t go the way it needs to.
Things happen in life. We experience things that we learn from and for me, those can be some of those moments when I was at my worst and know I don’t need to fall back to that level again. A part of accepting the bad things that happen in life is accepting your faults, making them right, putting them to rest and moving on from the fault. Many times in my life, I want to think of when I do something wrong that I have to start at Ground Zero as if I have fallen to rock bottom. And while I have been in a very desolate state of mind, I know that falling back down the recovery ladder one rung in the three, four or ten I took to the top is not a complete failure. It is simply a setback and I just need to repeat the process of acknowledging, accepting, correcting and resting my faults and not dwell on them
I am accepting the fact that life is not perfect and I do not need to keep being my own worst critic when things don’t happen the way that they need to. Slowly, I am working my way out of the trenches of the negativity pit and accepting that when things go wrong to go through the process move on and not make a big deal out of them because we are nothing but human in life and I have my faults just as anyone else does, I just need to live my life as my best .