Recently, while in the process of discovering what a better life is for me, understanding things and giving myself grace for the things I have endured over the years. I count my blessings of how lucky I am to be here and not be as damaged from my decline and rise above it
Thinking how I have blossomed more into the independent man I have become over the past two years has made me realize how much I was struggling when I was nearing the fallout of my first independent living experience. I often went back and forth with admitting my faults, passively accepting them and trying to make them better while shielding myself from reality.
Even having to understand that living with my parents was at a time what I thought temporary, until amid unfortunate circumstances, amid a looming uncertainty of a pandemic ultimately caused me to hit rock bottom. Yet, I think of the way things were, and even three years later as a world outside mine, they are generally not the same now because of many changes in the world. Things are constantly changing, but I am doing better and I need to accept the minor faults and give myself grace for when things slightly become errors.
2019 started to fall into what 2020 slowly fell out greater and as the world did, I did. My parents and I wanted to be hopeful that I could return to the first environment, but unfortunately for certain circumstances, I had to make the decision to move on with my life, even though I continued to struggle. It didn’t go without saying that I, without support, went and did what I needed to do to secure new housing, amid a global pandemic and an unanchored sense of self. Securing my current home was nothing short of a miracle because I know everyone does not get that opportunity as there is an extreme tenant selection process, but it keeps my community safe and when issues arise, the process is built stronger.
It means that I constantly second guess that I am doing what is right, and in fact three years since starting the decline into rock bottom and working my way to where I am now. I am my own worst critic. I often second guess or want to feel bad for the choices I had to make or the situation and sometimes the uprooting and the rebuilding of my life, I sometimes criticize my current situation, but then I have to remember that even in the past two years of being in the current one that I am in a much better place for my needs and not for convenience, it takes adapting and accepting the massive changes that I have had to endure over the past few years and having grace for things backslide even in the smallest.
Many times I strive for perfection when doing things, but I am beginning to accept that no one is perfect as much as we may want to think, including myself. Things are going to happen in life, but the important thing is that when we do, we build ourselves back up from them and get back on the saddle. For the better part of three to four years, I constantly strived for perfection, falling for the power of being this person who had it all together. But, things happen in life and the important thing for me or anyone else is to not drag yourself forever in the trenches that you are in. You have to get back on track and build yourself back up so you get back on your feet more quickly and give yourself grace for things not being as bad as you make them.
As I stated yesterday, with my “black and white:” way of thinking and not being able to see any gray in my life situations, I can only see myself as it being perfect or everything going wrong without understanding that “stuff happens” in life and that as long as we fix the issues at hand, pick ourselves up and move on from the things we did, it isn’t as bad as it seems to be. Part of growing up is making things right and making the right choices so you can not feel as bad and move on with your life and not make it the “bad” side and think you are a “problem”, when in fact you are just you.
As I continue this journey in my life , I am growing more to have grace for when things do not go just as they need to happen. Understanding the need to get back on track so i do not fall into the traps that I did before and grow and learn.