Recently, I have been greatly complimented about the progress I have made over the past few years. It can be hard to acknowledge the compliments that I am given, especially if they come from those that it takes a great deal for them to acknowledge my success.
Many times, I never want to take credit for the work that I do because I think I do not deserve it as it is something that is a necessary undertaking in life that must be endured. It can be hard to acknowledge the fact that someone is proud of me for the things that I have undertaken although I often also think that I am in the wrong or when someone speaks of something I do that there is a problem or trouble ahead.
For many years, I have always been called out for the things that I haven’t done the way that it was specifically prescribed for me to do. I felt ashamed for not having the capability of being able to do something that was never acknowledged as something that I at least tried my best at. This can even be as in my years in junior high gym class where I tried and just because I was the ‘problem student’ I was given a failing grade whereas my peers who did less were given a passing grade for their minimal efforts. It was the beginning of me not being able to accept the fact that I could even do something and be complimented for doing simple things.
In reality, I know that I am a smart and valued person, yet if given the opportunity to do so, I will often ignore those facts about myself and bring up the negative contradicting statements. It goes with the fact of struggling in my adolescence and living a fair adulthood that had me relying on others to know my every move. I still seek that in my life currently as if I am going to do something wrong or cause trouble even though there is no likeness that I am actually causing trouble. I always fear the fact that I am doing something wrong and that someone will want to retaliate against me for it.
It can be why my Amazon Music Soundtrack is filled with songs from decades ago that I grew up listening to because I want to remember those times in a good way and that those songs, when I was given the chance to listen to them brought me the smallest glimpse of happiness in the rest of a day that could at times be very challenging. It is in a way repaying my mind in the current state of happiness that I didn’t totally have back then because of my struggles with trauma and other things that happened back then. It is possibly what keeps me going in life and not feeling sorry for myself because of all the former perceived failures that were told to me.
Having things since person-centered and recovery based on the services that I am receiving has still taken me some time to realize that what I want and have to value in life is valid. It is hard as I have become an independent adult that I actually have to do things a certain way or be coerced into doing things that cause me anguish or displeasure. Yes, there are necessary things that I have to adult to and undergo, but if there is no benefit to doing something, then why do go through the torture.
In reality, it is a miracle that I am in the state of mind I am in at the moment and have progressed so greatly because I have done the work to get here, so I just need to take the compliment more and be thankful for how far I have come in my life. I deserve it!