Living on my own as an autistic adult alongside having several other challenges can be difficult in the sense of managing my emotions or time. Finally after being out of what has been a long and dark tunnel, I continue to find the sense of having to find some sort of satisfaction with the days that I am living.
I will admit there are times that it can be tough but it has been getting better as time progresses, realizing when negative thoughts are heading into my headspace, recognizing them and working at getting into a different mindset. It can be so hard when one’s thoughts are so flawed to think things that are intended to help you do produce thoughts to the contrary, This further compounds your ability to stay well and if not addressed properly, can spiral out of control.
It is in that process of discovery of free time that it can be a struggle to decide how to manage it so you have satisfaction in your day. Many times in the past two years of living in my current living situation, I would retreat to my bed and feel sorry for myself and throw a pity-party in my headspace of everything wrong in my life. As time has gone on in my life here, the amount of time has decreased, although I still have my moments. If I do not recognize that I am doing it later in the day, particularly around the time to take my sleep med, and I do fall asleep, it an bring on further issues as it did a few weeks ago, so I had to set daily alarms on my smart speakers to sound a more audible sound to get my attention should I fall asleep so that I take my medicine as I need to.
Something that I am trying to be better at is not being so critical towards myself when I spend more down time than I think I need to. I know I need it, yet I have issues accepting that I need the time because of most of my life living as if I needed to be productive or being ordered at a moment’s notice to do a task. It seems unreal in a sense that I do have my own life and that I am an adult and can make adult decisions.
Sometimes it takes living life one day at a time so that I can better grasp things under control. It means breaking down things so that I can better handle them and know what the day has on the horizon so that I do not struggle with loneliness. It is often the culprit of falling into relapse, therefore I know that I must do what is necessary to avoid it at all costs, even if it means writing my blogs in advance as I am with this because I know I will not have that much of a window to do so down the road. There’s several things I know that I can do, I just forget about them or put them to the side and they fall behind, partly because of my ADHD-like symptoms that tend to appear every so often.
It can sometimes mean fixing something as simple as a box of food pantry mac and cheese that gets you satisfied and knowing that you are nourishing yourself with something that you know that will make you feel somewhat happy and satisfied with the work that you put into something so you have some sense of pride for the work that you have invested in a meal or something that is special to you that you enjoy. Maybe it is creating artwork, or something with your special interest that you spend an inordinate amount of time working on because in your eyes, it has to be just right. Recently, I could not take my meds for the night until I had a project that I was working on look exactly the way that I would be satisfied with because I knew I would keep fighting my desire to sleep to make it right.
You have to do what makes you happy and feel good in order to make you satisfied, it is not up to anyone else to entertain you and be your entertainment, even if you feel you can’t I know that because I to this day seek out knowing what others can do for me to keep me entertained, yet I am increasingly getting better at defining what I as a human being need to do in order to entertain myself to make me be satisfied and live my best life.