Excuses, Excuses, I know they help, yet I choose not to take part, What are they? Things for me ! I know that they help me, but I also know that when I choose not to do them that my life takes a downhill turn. I am realizing the importance of why things must be done in order to life the best life that I can and not get into that deep, dark place.
I know what I need to do, yet I often ignore it like the plague. I do it out of pure ignorance even though I know its benefits. It can be one of many things whether it is on my own, with a family member or part of a group activity. After I do something that I know that is beneficial for any kind of wellness, mental, spiritual or physical, I know that I will feel better.
Some of these things are routine and mundane in nature, yet they are an essential pillar of life that is necessary for me to live the best life that I can live. Yet, falling off oother f the wagon of wellness one little bit can be a cause for a miserable day and negative reaction to anything in my path that I may not like or feel it should be. I can be unable to control my thoughts or control them to a place that I need to.
Some activities are necessary in order to see things in a positive light. If can not clear my headspace so that I can see things from a balanced point of view, instead seeing it from a flawed, intrusive point of view without seeing it from a way other than the condescending way that I see it and not having the way to see something that may be beneficial to others can be challenging to accept because it is not the way that it would be preferred to me, yet it is the best way to make the situation best for those involved while I am just a bystander in the situation.
Utilizing all the wellness tools in my toolbox is essential for getting through life when it can be isolating, lonely, deep and dark. I know that I cannot allow myself to get to that place because it is unhealthy, yet not properly taking care of myself so that I can live the life that I need to only makes it more difficult to be around and causes further strain on my support. I also realize that I keep away from those that want to befriend me when I am not doing what I need to do to be healthy in all ways mentally, physically and spiritually.
Being in my mid-to-late 30’s you would think that I would know that doing what I would need to do would become second nature, but mistakes do happen in life, and while I need to give myself grace for all that I have overcome, continuing to disregard my attention to needing to stay on track can be challenging and difficult. It can seem as if I am lazy or don’t care because I am in a state of self-pity and ignorance of attending to my needs. I know I can and will do better because of the necessity of them needing to occur so I do not continue to go down the path.
I also know I need to realize life following the prescribed plan that is needed to be well. I have been flip-flopping down the road for too long and while I am in a better place than where I have been in years past, I do know that things are not at their best when I do not do what I need to do and everyone around me knows it, so why don’t I just do it? If other autistic people are so good with following rules and routines, why do I need to push the envelope and try to do something that I know is not the best thing to do and will only in the end make me worse off than what I am already thinking. Is it because I think like the little not-ok child as if it is an authority figure telling me that I need to do something because they think I need to? Or is it the fact of all the past trauma and other issues that I have not processed yet that tells me that I am being forced like a prisoner in a box to do something because it is the thing to do?
It must be understood that it has to be me behind the driver’s seat of knowing to do the right things in life in order to stay well and live the life I want to live, not because someone is locking me in a contained space and forcing me to do it. I know by doing the things that I need to do that I am a better person for it, not because someone is forcing what they think or want me to do. It has been proven to work so why can’t I make it work for me?
Dustin's Dynasty 