In the past week, I have been experiencing challenging thoughts. Not only are they in my headspace, but I also, when in private, script them. This can set the tone for the outlook that I have on my life and as such can bring down my self-esteem greatly.
Within acknowledging that I experience challenging thoughts, I also have realized that I am a hypersensitive person who oftentimes overreacts to many things, including being too involved in things that are detrimental for my mental wellbeing because of past traumatic experiences, stressors, etc. Now that I have realized that those are the underlying characteristics behind what engages my challenging thoughts. Learning to not involve myself in unnecessary things that are unhealthy for me and do not require my attention will aid significantly in bettering myself.
Often by thinking and scripting these thoughts results in entertaining these thoughts and believing that they are valid when they are in many cases not. I continue to put myself down and will at times extend the challenging thoughts to my mother and my therapist as taunting them to make me empathize with me or to get their attention in a negative manner. In my mind, at a certain moment, I may dislike something or want to do more than the bare minimum or something unwanted can be frustrating and difficult to undertake and the thoughts are vocalized and I do not understand their weight or their stinging power, especially if they are personal attacks.
As autistic people oftentimes are noted as not being able to filter their thoughts when expressing them, I especially have issues at times in this area, although it has increasingly gotten better in recent years, when it happens, it is typically with those that I have a rapport with and it often engages in personal attacks that will stun the affected greatly.
It has been over a year since my last major meltdown and I recently had the opportunity to learn that while I had the stressors, the thoughts that were exhibited were fed to me continually for over a decade. It just happened that day was overwhelming with this certain individual, the breaking point was reached and I let it fly. They were hurt and now looking back over a year later, I realize that I need to do better and recognize my need to take care of myself and do what I need to do to protect myself and others from the anguish.
At this juncture in my life, I am in a good headspace and for the most part I do OK. Privately, when I am home and in my safe space is when I think and script those challenging thoughts, however, I often quickly rebute/reframe them with counteractive statements that are true. The thoughts have no validity and after recognizing that I know that greatly and feel really bad. I can sometimes ruminate for extended periods of time , but I have bounced back faster and better than I have in most of my life.
It can be so easy to put yourself down because you have to do something that you don’t like or something doesn’t go the way you plan it. I know I am making progress, others see it, but I often don’t think it goes fast enough, get frustrated and want to give up sometimes. That is the easy way when I know that I am capable of getting through things of this magnitude.
Life was never meant to be easy, it doesn’t always go to plan and it isn’t always perfect. There will be bumps in the road but the ability to bounce back from them can be very difficult sometimes to overcome, but I know that I can;t always stay in the trenches, run away or give up everything because it is what my brain tells me that I want to do. I have to, while taking care of myself, fight the necessary battles and overcome the challenges in my path.