Over the course of the past few weeks, my mood has been anything but stable. I am now hopefully under the understanding that there is a reason that I must do things, not because someone is telling me that I need to do them, but in order to be well, it has become paramount for things to be the way that they have to be so that I can manage my mood effectively.
When all things are in place, medication, the effective amounts of caffeine and sleep, my mood can be pretty manageable. However, when they are not, as they haven’t been on and off for quite some time, it has become noticed by others and as a result can lead in to pretty contentious conversations by those that are in my care, both familial and professional.
When they make the statements that I am not taking care of myself, I can be easily triggered by their statements. Although I know that they are true, I hide from the facts and have the ability to mask the fact that I am not taking care of myself, although something as simple as a snide remark or text message can trigger the fact that they know I haven’t been taking care of myself.
This has been an ongoing problem that has to be radically accepted for what it is . I know that I need to do the things that work (medicate routinely, limit caffeine, balance sleep, etc.) These are all things that I already know. But they are things that for a long time have been hard to accept. I have always had the pressure that there are people telling me that I NEED to do these things because I somehow thought that it was a part of their personal agenda of what the way that they wanted me to be. That is completely untrue. The comments come from them because they know that it is what is necessary for me to be well and despite it passing their lips, it is intended to be helpful, not hurtful.
July starts many circumstances where it has become essential for me to be more on point with doing the things that are necessary for staying well, not only for me, but for those around me so that I can be an optimal person and not be triggered by behavior that I know is not what I should be a part of. While that behavior may be triggering to others, I often take it out on those that care about me and are only doing their best and want to see nothing but the best for me.
Yet, they are continually the casualty of my reacting in a bad manner through no fault of me not properly taking care of myself when it is just things that I know can easily be done. I just get stubborn because I want to prove a point, but I have tried to prove that point time and time again and it does nothing by put things in a bad spot for me.
So as we enter the second half of the year, I want to pick up the pieces of where I left off when I started my personal rumspringa of freedom and realize that there are some things that have to be accepted for what they are, including the things that are necessary for me in order to be well, and while I keep beating this bush down the road, it is time to get back on track once and for all, before it becomes too late and something happens that I am unable to properly regulate myself from.