I come to you on another Wednesday, in a much better state than the last few. It has taken me a while to recoup from what is hopefully the last of an almost four year relapse that I have been experiencing that I had finally had an epiphany a few weeks ago.
I am starting to feel like myself again for sure and in the duration of the last rebound from adversity the understanding that things are much better when all regiments are followed as prescribed, literally. It has taken me almost four years, but finally I am seeing the silver lining of what damage is caused by not being serious about following all advice. Yes, there are tempting moments and even those that I am not cognizant of what is needed to be in balance to follow the necessary routines so the relapses do not occur. In reality, while nothing is foolproof, being ignorant to the understanding of the necessity of understanding the need to be cognizant of what is necessary to staying well is ever more prevalent.
This blog post is not to be on a continuance of remembering what to do. It is finally after nearly four years of believing so many myths that I have now reflected and realized that they simply aren’t true and I need to do what has been proven to work, despite whatever may tempt me because of pressure or other statements that simply aren’t true.
Some of what I have realized in the past four years of being robbed of so much because I wanted to bend my independence and be a smart alec and prove a fact that I thought was a way to silence my true self. While having the chance, it opened me to being more vulnerable to others and eventually the parts that were unhealthy were seen by colleagues and could have cost me many things. I am forever grateful for their recognition, however it had to take until I was just at my limit while working on bettering myself that the only time these behaviors appeared was when I was in relapse. In reality, it had to be something I had to determine on my own as I don’t think any other way would have sold me on the idea. For years, I had been told what to do and to be like that. Someone telling me what to do would have made me angry as if they were cutting into my personal freedom that at times had to be restricted. But, a few weeks ago, I looked back and saw the times when I was struggling were those when I wasn;t taking care of myself. When I was doing what I needed to do, I could mostly manage. It took until I saw the factors of when, what and how things were going down to finally see the silver lining that I needed to see once and for all and understand that although I carried what I had to do for decades, they were proven and they worked. Yes, I discovered new parts about me and keeping in line with what I had to do, didn’t keep them away. In fact, I was able to acquire new processes and ways of things that I enjoy and when I was in the right mind, I was able to enjoy them thoroughly and not living on survival mode or being hyperactive when I was not doing what was necessary.
I hopefully can put a close to the chapter of the in and out of not caring for myself in the way I need to. Having a routine helps in this effort among other things that have helped with the daily maintenance with tasks that are necessary. It isn’t a complete solution as there are still struggles, but they can be easily maintained and not acted out as much as they are when not taking care of myself, and that is what I must understand first and foremost of the reason why.