With independence comes freedom. It can sometimes spiral out of control. However, you must realize that there are things that you must keep in your life even as you become independent because they are necessary for maintaining daily wellness.
For the last three years, I have been battling my mental state with understanding the freedoms that I am given. A primary factor about this is the need to follow a routine that has been proven for decades and that is my medication. Despite thinking what I always thought in life, I know that it has been proven longer than the past three years that I have been faltering with it, that it has been proven and it is a necessary element in me being well and being able to do the things that I need to do.
When I am off course, others know because I am not the person that people have always known. I know because it all begins with my unwillingness to shut down from the day and my brain sometimes overworking. This is a trait of autism and is likely why autistics struggle to sleep. I know it and understand it truly. I am very intelligent and know that I need to take my medicine. The doses are even single vacuum packed so I no longer have to fumble with bottles. In my first living experience, it was discovered how many pills were not used and it was shocking, yet I still experience struggles with just accepting that I need to medicate.
The week before last, I went days on and off of taking a certain med that aides me in getting to sleep. Sometimes I would sleep off and on and sometimes just for a very short period. By the end of the weekend I realized that my body couldn’t physically handle the constant patterns of very little sleep by being in a mania state along with not wanting to eat. Yes, the medication in question along with another psychotropic medication I take causes increased appetite and weight gain and while I have accepted that and am working to increase my activity and lower my food intake, I guess by the end of the weekend that i realized that in the end it is no better to not have this med than it is to take it. Despite my common myth that I oversleep or the fact that I am being “forced” to take it, I am finally realizing that it is best to just take the medicine and shut down and go to sleep. I now realize I must find ways to work better on a shut-down routine.
While this writing is about my behaviors surrounding my issues around a my love-hate relationship surrounding one medication (and whether you are for or against medication, that is totally your call), I am slowly beginning to learn that it is an essential and one of those things I left at my home with my parents that is necessary to maintain for me to be independent. While being independent is to give you a sense of freedom and to do what you want and get rid of the things you don’t like, some things need to move with you for one reason or another even if you think it is hurting you or you don’t like what necessary effects it causes you.
For me it has been a process of what will be nearing almost four years that I finally have begun to start to realize that it is to help me and not hurt me. Hopefully I can get a better grip of what I need to do for it to finally catch on so I do not have to continually experience the cycles of misery that I have been experiencing the last few years.