Reflections: Changes in Growth

As I have had some time to ponder my own thoughts recently, I began to realize how much I have matured socially over the years and how people realize that I can actually be someone who can carry a conversation for a long time and my ability to mask as a neurotypical when necessary.

I now realize that I am not the man I have always been. I have at times been told that I was a jerk and now reflecting on that I can see why people would say that. I many times in the construct of the day program leaned more toward the staff and for the longest time had no interest in even engaging with others or even holding a conversation with them. Several years ago that changed when the dynamic became involved with more relatable individuals and continually to some degree that continues to know when I have had my limits and know to take a step aside. I also realize that all things aside, I must not engage in negative constructs and focus on what is necessary to my journey and recovery. Yes there were some lessons to learn from that, I learned the skills necessary to engage in conversations, but the dynamic at the day program is not meant for long-term relationships. In fact, I have since been able to transfer those skills to other outlets and use them to more of an ability that has paid off in dividends.

Growth in social construct has since evolved in learning when and where to filter conversations for knowing what and when such things are necessary along with the ability to understand when others seek and want the conversation or they do not. Many times one of the struggles autistics face is the fact they cannot control what is necessary to be kept to themselves or not. Understanding this construct took a lot of time and practice and understanding the construct when it is not necessary to be within a conversation was a big step for me to understand, as it is for many autistics. It’s just one of those things that you have to learn and grow from learning defenses to not engage in what isn’t necessary to involve yourself in, particularly when you have no need to be involved in the conversation or the fact that it could be detrimental to your well-being.

Growing is also realizing the fact that things that you choose to not do for one reason or another, yet one day have the inkling to do and see the lack of paying attention to the need of things not being part of the expected can do. For me this was the need of maintaining all articles of clothing and not having a disregard for them and their need to be placed in the necessary receptacles after their use. Not doing so at the routine cleaning of hidden areas of my bedroom discovered many articles that had become strayed for some time. This gave me the ability to do some spring cleaning and organize storage areas according to what presently fits on my body and what will fit as I eventually work on losing more weight, which is going to be a continual process (more on that tomorrow.)

Seeing and having growth in these areas has boosted my personal confidence and increased my desire for improvement in not only these two areas, but collectively in all areas. I have always been told that I have the skills, knowledge and ability to learn and grow from the areas that I previously struggled in and others have seen a difference and my overall performance in necessary activities has improved and within time, things will continue to increase for the better if I continue to keep things going the way they are presently.

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