Understanding My Words

Sometimes we don’t think before saying something. I have been guilty of doing so time and time again. Yet, I say statements that are many times simply not true, but are used as a way of wanting attention. Some of these statements can be very harming or hurtful to others and while they are meant, sometimes they cannot be retracted.

As many times a very pessimistic person raised by optimist parents, I often agitate my parents by my continual negative chants and sometimes ideations that they know aren’t true. I know that it isn’t how I truly feel about myself or them, yet there have been several times in my life that I have said these cold and calis statements without understanding the effect of them being said. Sometimes I don’t have the opportunity to take responsibility for my word choice and I often fear that I could miss the opportunity to do so someday if I am not wise.

My behavior has improved throughout the decades and while I am working on being more of an optimist, there are a select few in my support network that receive the brunt of my negative words because I somewhat know that they can take what I dish out to them whether it be a phone call, text messaging, etc. They all admire me very much as a human being and wouldn’t keep coming back for more of my negativity if they truly didn’t care. They want to help and I must work on realizing that more.

As stated earlier this week, the combination of both not having something to entertain myself and being surrounded by negativity are both catalysts for this occurring. While I have improved on being more of an optimist, I must also realize how to “apply the brakes” to what I want to communicate before it becomes too late.

This is where I must employ the resources at my disposal instead of turning to those that I think will feel sorry and validate what I perceive and what I am thinking. In fact the thoughts that I am processing could possibly be prevented by utilizing more of what I have been continually told to do by the same supporters that I taunt. They continue to do their best to advise me on what I need to do as far as my coping and entertainment strategies, yet I do not listen. Therefore I continue to be the reason for the problem and have no one to blame but myself for my actions.

It is senseless that I still get in a childish mode sometimes. I am fully aware that I am an adult and it is necessary to act as such at all times, not when those I can feel like they are deserving and want to entice them to act on my reaction. I should realize by now that performing such an action will not result in getting the reaction I desire, it will only complicate the issue further and be perceived in a childlike persona. No one is deserving of my pity parties or ideating chants because I want someone to give me a pity party or their undivided attention.

Being an adult comes with responsibilities, I cannot use my challenges as a target or blame for behavior that has been occurring in some aspect for most of my life. I have came a long way in my life. I have to learn to be the adult I desire without relying on someone for my validation or pity. Using the optimistic words I know that I can use along with communicating effectively can go a long way in helping me resolve this issue. Hopefully, my bringing this to light will make me realize that the I need to depart the train of pity and attention that I know I won’t have forever.

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