Life is challenging. For me being autstic, managing all of the challenges life brings particularly in being well and independent are especially challenging for me at times. It can be hard to fight the challenges that I presented with internally and externally and still keep it together despite a world that I am just not wired for.
In my blogs throughout the week, I have been sharing with you about the challenges I face and at times being on the cusp of regression. As I trudge through the challenges in life, it can be hard to remember how far I have come since the early days and particularly the challenges I have faced the past three years. It can be easy to ease back into those ways of thinking and become more challenged as a result of not taking care of my overall self.
It can be easy to taunt anyone who I think will listen and get a rise out of my challenges and my wanting to regress to a situation that is not helpful for my wellness. Thankfully, those who know me well enough realize that I am indeed doing that just to get attention and that I need to employ the skills needed to get back on track and that I may just need a simple prompt to move past a thought I cannot stop ruminating about that causes these actions. Behind the view of those that think that life is good, I revert myself to a immature like not ok parent child style of thinking that thinks that someone has to feel bad for what I think is really bad in my life but in reality isn’t
These behaviors want me to put aside the lucidness that I have built up and destroy it by relapsing because I at that moment do not care. Although I often need a prompt to refocus my self-talk from negative to positive, I wish I didn’t have to do that because it makes me feel so bad that it has to get to that point. I know better and have the capacity and intellect to understand that this kind of behavior is exactly what it is, childish. Continuing to do so only stunts my progress, delaying what’s important by being very pitiful of what I view my life to be.
In reality, I am truly blessed to have the life that I have been dealt. Even though I have been through so much in three decades, I still don’t have to worry about many things that others with similar challenges have to. I know that it is because of the opportunities I have in life that I am able to maintain my wellness and not face issues that could be detrimental to making it more difficult. While at times I may want to believe that it will be helpful to live in the pattern that I think is less aggravating, I must also realize that it is more detrimental to my overall health to do so.
Therefore it is important despite what I may think is better than at the present moment to continue with the situation that I am in. It is not causing any harm or issues and although at times it can be aggravating, it is what works for me in the present moment. People from all walks of life do not want to do anything and I myself feel this is no exception. However, the situation at hand being best suited for me, I must realize that I must not act out on thoughts that I have without realizing the true consequences that will be faced as a result of my actions.
I must also understand that there is room to grow and within time if I want that to happen, it will. However it is just as important as I want more opportunities that come with more responsibility that I must continue to do what is necessary to stay well by following all wellness regimens regardless of what I may feel is beneficial for me. Doing what I know has been done and works is what must be done. It is not because someone thinks that or is pushing that, It is because they know and they have seen me when I have not done so. I am fortunate that over the past three or so years that I have tried to do what I thought was better that nothing tragic happened as a result of what I did.
Furthermore I have realized that even though when bouncing back from a time when I faced a point of starting over that exactly what I am feeling in that very moment is not exactly what I am going to feel all the time and I must give things some time to work out to get their full effect and not revert to what I feel I need to do because I do not like what I am feeling.
While I have been facing multiple challenges over the past four years I must also recognize the need to give myself grace that I am starting to pick myself back up where I left off over three years ago and that it is important to stay on track as much as I can no matter what is necessary to maintain my wellness so that I can stop repeating the cycle of detrimental challenges and feelings that I am experiencing. I must realize that I must take care of me before working on the better.