Employment, Independence

Why do I keep on doing What I Keep On Doing

This week has been a relaxing week and I am ever thankful for it. I am off work again for a little reprieve for a while due to how my schedule and the holiday observances occur. I only had to miss one day of work to have two weeks off, which was nice. But in the course of this week, one of my mental health workers asked me why continue to be involved in my day program and work?

While I gave them a simple answer, the next overnight after that, I had to think about it. Why do I continue, especially being at the day program for over 17 years and working at the job I love for almost 12 years. It made me think just why do I continue to get up and fight the fight when it could be so simple to stay in bed and watch time pass away. 

Why do I get up in the dark and come home in the near end of daylight, during this time of year anyway to do what I do? Yesterday was one of those hard days to get started. The alarm clock went off at 5:00 AM and I did my routine and I contemplated calling off, however another member on my route messaged me to tell the driver they wouldn’t be attending. Then I felt bad and I knew I had to fight the hassle. When I got on the van that morning, I would learn that we would have a smaller than usual crew for a Wednesday.

Prior to arriving at the facility I considered leaving on the noon bus for home and on the way in, my medicine was kicking in a bit. Eventually I started the day and elected myself for tasks that I knew would keep me busy like cooking breakfast, cleaning a bathroom, doing some computer work, washing linens and sanitizing the surfaces on the vans, all things when done in balance keep me engaged. As I progressed with the cooking of breakfast, I felt better although I would be overexerted from time to time and needed breaks, I did what needed to be done. As I progressed in the work, I knew that I made the wise decision to come to the day program and that I would be good to complete the day. I had a nice salad from the vocational kitchen, which was an added bonus as it only cost $3 and it was quite filling. Just at lunch, my former van driver made an appearance. If you recall in an earlier post about the Christmas Party last week, I said I didn’t know when I would see him again. We are never guaranteed our next breath and I did enjoy having the opportunity to converse with him for a few moments.

As the afternoon progressed, I elected to do a handful of tasks and had a goal review. It was determined that I need to continue to work on my objectives as I continue to struggle with some things and I haven’t worked on bettering myself in other areas as of yet. I know that Rome wasn’t built in a day and that while I am in a good place, it took some time to get where I am and it will take some more time for me to get more grounded than where I was four or five months ago. I am proud that I am in a really good place mentally now, but I know I need to continue to be there and not falter off the course and be steady about being well mentally overall. I have to make 2022 about this and not falter off the course. If I need to and can take my medicine late, then I need to do it and not go to work the next day. I have accepted many things about autism and my mental illness over the past few months. As I see others do things like miss out on work and other things because of their need to catch up on sleep from circumstances beyond their control, I should be able to accept that if I need to catch up on my sleep that It is OK to do so because I have a very understanding day program and employer that understands my needs when I need them.

I need to recognize that what I am doing is way more beneficial to me than If i didn’t do anything at all or did something less pleasurable. I am so blessed to have the things in my life and be at the place in my mind that I am. I must understand this and realize that this is much better than being in the ways I was off and on for the past three years. I learned from my lessons, I know for right now this is what works for me and I need to do what is necessary to keep what I do well and myself well too,

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