Last weekend was a doozy of a weekend. Beside my home, the only place I went was to the neighborhood dollar store. COVID fears have set me back over time for fear of whether or not I will contract the virus. While part of this in my humble opinion is due to the fear mongering that is staged by the media, part of it is a result of my heightened anxiety about things. Sometimes we just need to rationalize and realize that doing some things in life really isn’t all that bad.
As an autistic person who takes things literally, including the fact that COVID is scary from media sources that were once known by our elders to be trustworthy, it can set you back a bit.It gets to a point where you worry obsessively about things that can be so minute that you overreact to them and think that others should agree with you and validate what you are feeling. It also isn’t a shame to ask for help if you need it, I wish I would have done it earlier this weekend when issues of loneliness were present. Instead I numb them with diet soda and ice cream to make them feel better, but that will last for only so long. I go to sleep for about an hour or so when I get into the mood of feeling sorry or lonely because something happens that I do not enjoy, it is something I have to be an adult for or it is something I am mad about. I have to realize that this isn’t normal behavior and all-around I am a good person and that I need to do things I enjoy, including those outside of my home.
While the weather on Saturday was less desired for the most part, I had PLENTY of things I could have done instead of felt sorry for myself, however I did just that I did some things to ease the time such as work on my blog posts for the week, my YouTube Videos and e-blast, but those only take so much of my time. Sunday was worse. While I did get two loads of laundry done, the weather was more favorable and I was done with the laundry around 2:00 in the afternoon, leaving around three hours of daylight to a seasonable day. I COULD have gone for a longer walk, but ended up at the dollar store where I bought my usual feel-good numbing agents (Ice Cream and Diet Soda) to try to feel better. I didn’t want to spend any of my personal money because I know I have to be conscious because of not having as many hours at work this month. I knew these items could be purchased with SNAP (food stamps) and I could make a quick return home.
After that very short trip I ate that ice cream and later went to sleep for the second hour-long stint for the day. While sleep can be healthy, too much of it isn’t good because I will experience difficulty in getting asleep in the evening. Days when there is more sleep requires me to be cognizant of when I am taking my evening medication and having a healthy wind-down of journaling and meditation activities.so that I can ease to sleep, especially on a day when I have to leave the house.
The holidays are fast approaching and it is difficult to understand that we are spending it again under the COVID-19 pandemic. Being in the state I am in made it rough and wants me to continue to shelter in place, but I know I cannot do that. I have to assure myself that there were probably contentious situations where COVID was around and that I wasn’t aware. I have to accept the fact that I cannot control every single factor in everything that is wanted of me and in order to make those that love me happy, I need to be graceful by taking a little risk and doing the things that are out of my routine and comfort zone. That includes being with family despite my anxiety of whether or not I will contract COVID. While I gloat about my tract record of not ever being in close contact with anyone. What don’t I know? The public world is a open cesspool of germs that is best described as an open honesty policy. How do I know everyone is being honest? In fact, they aren’t, I know that for a fact. It’s not to discredit anyone, but there cannot be a “COVID police” to make sure everyone is following protocols. Everything, honest or not, is just that, the honor system. We can not go up to every single person and question everything COVID-related about them. I as a citizen of the community can only do what I know is necessary to protect myself from exposure. I cannot control the actions of others, nor can I question the actions of others when they are in charge of policies and protections to protect others. I can only do what I am authorized to do and that is in many cases protect myself and be cognizant of the dangers around us.
I cannot let my world stop anymore. It is getting detrimentally worse by me hiding and not doing the things that I used to when I lived on my own previously. Yes, that experience closed traumatically and I moved to a farther neighborhood than that one, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot still enjoy life the way that I once did before COVID set in. I need to enjoy life and not remain so bottled up like I have been for over the past year.