It has been a mostly good week, although I didn’t get the exercise in that I wanted to. Regardless, I have had a more positive outlook on life and less of a negative outlook on my life, although it isn’t perfect I realize that I have to be thankful for all the positive things I have in my life instead of magnifying on the negative aspects, because in reality, the positives outweigh the negatives.
It starts with the flawed thoughts I had as a young adult. I have constantly thought that I couldn’t do anything but what people fed me as negative energy. In reality, my parents were supportive in whatever I did and saw me grow as a young man. Actually, they were my best advocate. There was things that I wish I would have done in some of those instances to reach out more, but being autistic and having a great deal of social anxiety, I refrained.
As the years progressed, it got better to a degree. I got a job with no intention of returning to work. But 11 years later I am still there. Many times, especially in the past few years I said that I wanted to just quit it all and live off of government benefits. In reality, I knew I am a great contribution to society and that I was just experiencing flawed thinking. In the early years of my work, I really didn’t focus on my work as good as I should have and I regret that, instead I diverted my attention to attention to community college while working the bare minimum. I am thankful to my employer for understanding my need to do this. Actually, it worked out as I learned more skills for my job that I was able to take on more responsibilities. So, In the end, it was a good thing.
Recently, I have been more into the negative thinking mode. It has been present more than ever because my staff at my day program have been noticing my negative attitude on the work and business I have been performing there and the way I have been acting towards my peers and staff. Granted it was as bad as when I wasn’t on my medication. But I was diverting on the business of the program more than usual, thus diverting my energy from being positive. Granted all aspects are going well in my professional and personal life. My 1:1 brought it to my attention earlier this week because she thinks that I have some past negative energy that was in my life that I haven’t worked on processing.
I am slowly in the process of working on the negative energy of the past by setting my own expectations for how my life is. Accepting it for what it is and how my life is big thing. I am slowly learning to accept that I am a grown man and not the child that some see. That I can be a grown-up and make calculated and sound adult decisions and be a content happy person. I also have to accept the fact that I have to be happy and proud of my achievements as several people I know both in my peer-related and online community may not have the opportunities provided to them that I have and that I can manage them well without any internal support, just some vocational supports and psychotherapy is all that I need to be successful in life and I should pat myself on the back for that. Instead, I nit pick at every negative detail as I can control the entire world at my disposal and make the things in my world my way.
In many instances of life, we cannot have things go the way that we want or for people to be the way that we want it to happen. That’s life. We as autistics must garner the skills to adapt when necessary to accept the things that are unpleasant in life and not go in a zero to 180 mindset and think that everything is wrong with us in the world, whereas for many its as best as it can be.
I guess in reality, I have accepted my life for what it is and not dwelling on the negative energy. I know that it will be a constant battle and that I need to not do it to be around and care for those that care about us and we need to be there for them as it is a mutual thing. We build on the friendships we have by doing this and are a good asset to those around us in that manner. As much as we struggle with friends on the autism spectrum, we should treasure the ones we do have because most likely they will be there for us and mutually we should be there for them to help them out.