Wellness Wednesday: When You Want to Cry but Can’t

So, another week on the wellness challenge has come and gone. Yes, I have somewhat laid down on the drinks, but not at the level I liked. I was without bottled water on the weekend and didn’t get to the grocery store until Sunday, I had a grocery order today where I ordered, but got a 12-pack to get by. Yes, I could drink out of the tap, but that requires effort that might be made into an excuse of not doing it when you can put bottles of water in the refrigerator, thus being easily accessible. Another part of this is making sure that you (I) are drinking water and not having soda in excess.

Last night I arrived from my day program to find out that there would be no water at my residence for some time. Not knowing this prior to leaving for the day, I did not prepare. Luckily, I had the water bottles, but I didn’t want to cook or wash dishes with them, so I ordered out. The one place I wanted to order from was closed on Mondays so it wasn’t option. So, the franchise pizza chain was it. I had a pizza earlier in the week and did not want that again. However, for them to deliver, which was the only option you had to spend $13. So, I had to order chicken and stuffed bread which just didn’t make the limit, so yes, I ordered a soda.

Now, in anyone’s mind including my own, that was an unwise decision. Yes, a treat was nice, but I had many other options to choose from within the confines of my own home. Yet, I habitually decide to make the worst choice for me. And I have that addictive personality which I know will take some time to wean of it. I am giving it the college try, but it is extremely difficult and hard at times if you do not keep your focus. You know time and time again that water is essential in life, yet you go for this really bad for you drink that no human should have, let alone an autistic person. Yet, I continually go down the path of I can’t live without its theory and how I MUST have it time and time again.

Reality struck this weekend. My mother and I were out shopping and I decided to dine out at one of the safest restaurants in the community. We went in and were seated at a booth. Once I got in the booth, it was difficult to maneuver, granted I had a coat on. I wanted to cry so bad. My mom noticed that I was frustrated and said we could ask for a table. But I just masked and hid my feelings because I didn’t want to show my embarrassment for needing a loose chair and not have the pride to sit in a booth.  If this happened when I wasn’t medicated or years ago, I probably would have had a meltdown and an outburst. But I reserved my words and realized that I need to do something about my weight, for real. It has to happen and I have to put the effort into it because If I don’t, then I will not be able to enjoy experiences such as dining out among many others.

It is said that autistics when hungry to food oftentimes stick to one or a few things and eat a lot of things like cheese for example, as I do. I love cheese, most kinds, I can eat a whole chunk without looking. I can eat many things and leave the plate clean because I was never taught the understanding of leaving or saving food for another meal. For example, dinner tonight had 2.5 servings and I had both, but I had about five ounces of puff’n corn before that about three hours prior and about four hours prior a whole container of macaroni salad (9/10 of a pound). I just continually eat and eat and eat and I don’t realize the detriments if I do, yet I realize it just when it is too late.

I’ve been experiencing things of a physical nature that are compared to weight gain lately, and honestly, it scares me to death. There is so much I want to do, yet I am physically unfit to do it. I know I have to put forth the effort and just do it. I don’t like to do it, but if I want to live, it must be done. Here’s to yet another better week and hopefully a better turnaround on the food habits.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s