One thing I have learned in this chapter of my life I am currently in is that I am realizing that I do in fact struggle with some tasks that others do not as far as it comes to independence. For the longest time struggling with coming to terms that you can have intelligence and obsession about somethings but some basic skills, like cleaning for example you just don’t have the niche for.
In the almost two years of my last chapter, I could do so many things to be independent. I knew to get up on my own and for some points I realized that I needed to take a shower on a regular basis. However, I had this brilliant idea that I didn’t need certain medication to be well, when in fact after several warnings and many trips teetering the course I learned that it did only the complete opposite to me. Yes, I get groggy in the morning, but I realize that I need to get up and get moving and that will make it better as the day advances.
Back to realizing that you don’t get something is one of the hardest terms I have had to accept. I am a 35-year-old college graduate who was the highest in his major, yet I cannot do simple things like sweep a floor or make sure the kitchen and bathroom are tidied up. It makes me embarrassed and I know that I need help. I almost got to that point in the last chapter but I didn’t think I would qualify for the help. My county supports state that I am fully served by the state insurance I have. In fact my MCO made a welcome call to make sure I could take care of myself, but I never took the steps to further the need of getting what I needed, so I didn’t and sometimes I regret it, however I think in a way what was to happen in the last chapter happened the way it did and I was to come here to be bettered by learning that medicine is my friend.
In the next chapter, I have to learn that I need to take advantage of all the help that is provided to me, not just what I pick and choose what I want. I know it is crucial to me being well and having the freedom to live in the community I love. I have to have the courage to accept whatever help comes my way and be tolerable of what is right for me, even though I may have a abnormal sense about it. I do have fears about the next chapter being as successful or as great, although I do have more grounding than I did in the past. I have better understanding on what I NEED and what I WANT and can greater separate the difference between the two.
Cleanliness I know is important in any living environment, especially when that space is smaller. I want my own space, without a doubt. I have been working with my supports on being better in this regard, and it took me a long time to get to this point. Before, I would vehemently deny that I needed help and that I could handle it on my own. I didn’t even let my parents into my home the majority of the time, and I know I should of. I know it is hard to accept the advice of my parents because you (I) think you (I) know anything. Regardless, being in this chapter, they have seen me regress severely as a result. They saw my faults in the last chapter and it made me regret not letting them in my home more. I do worry because at their age that they may not be around forever and If I don’t let them in my future chapters going forward that I will fail yet again.
Having independence and maintaining independence are two vastly large tasks. I now know that I need to do better at things that I didn’t do so well at in the past, like cleaning and wellness. Regardless I know I will do well the next time because I will have the drive and intuition to do better because I do not want to relive this chapter again.