Adulting: Ending Parental Abuse

In gaining my skills to regroup for the next chapter in my life, I have made the decision to do a blog series on Adulting. The sixteenth installment is about my pattern of parental abuse and ending it.

This week I wanted to write about a hidden secret that effects my life a lot. Yes its rough to talk about, but I feel it needs to be done. For I may feel better about myself in the long run if I do. I additionally feel it is necessary to get it out and admit it in the air if I want to adult because I need to adult and this series wouldn’t be complete without it. It’s parental abuse and its been going on for two decades and its real.

Now I am not proud to admit that I do this. Two or maybe three decades before when I began to do this, it was a combination of physical and verbal. Now its 95% verbal and rarely the 5% physical. It’s hard to admit that its abuse, but in this current chapter I need to put it to rest If I want to be happy the rest of my life. I am not the shining star to my parents, but without a doubt I should be thankful for them in my life because I have verbally abused them multiple times the past seven months and they keep their game up and take another stab at it.

In one nationally representative survey in the mid-1970s of roughly 600 U.S. families, about 1 in 11 reported at least one incident of an adolescent child acting violently toward a parent in the previous year. In about a third of those cases, the violence was severe — ranging from punching, kicking or biting to the use of a knife or gun.  This is one of the few articles I could find on this, but I can be ascertaining that parental abuse exists in the autism community, many times it comes from the skill needed, but also times it comes from the skilled end of the spectrum too, such as myself. In my end it often comes when we don’t get our way about something. Many autistics, including myself oftentimes fight to the parents’ breaking point to get what we want, and if we don’t get what we want, it gets ugly.

Sometimes it takes us to see how other parents experiencing parental abuse are treated to see how we ourselves the autistic abuser is doing and how out parents really feel behind closed doors. They oftentimes feel as if they live their lives in fear for their safety, yet they are afraid to go to the authoritarians for fear of their child not getting the proper care they need, because that is lacking, thus putting them in a compromising position of what to do about their and their child’s safety and well-being.

Many of the incidents take place at home, where the assaults are hidden from the public eye. That contributes to the lack of public awareness about the issue and makes it even harder for affected parents to find support. Sometimes it can be a cycle of abuse from the parent experiencing other types of abuse or the child being abused by non-supporting individuals in their lives. Furthermore, it can be from the way the autistic child is verbally abused from someone through no fault of their own.

Nonetheless, as in many 12-step programs admitting that you have a problem is the first step. In the recent months, I have said a plethora of comments, threats, etc. that could be hard for any parent to digest, including the fact that it would be the happiest day in their life when they were no longer here. Honestly, I don’t know what I am thinking when I am that way, its not truly how I know I don’t see the big picture of how they truly support me in the long run.

I realize that I have to come to terms that I shouldn’t fight over trivial things that are petty like not getting soda or getting to go somewhere. I am an adult and I should be acting as such, not like a five-year-old because I was told no and didn’t get my way. If I could accept the word NO more, than I think I wouldn’t cause such parental abuse towards my parents and I know I need to work on it because I wont have them forever, and I know what will happen if one passes, so I think its time to grow up!

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