Tonight, as I am writing, I had a really bad day. My supports all cancelled on me, and I know it wasn’t my fault. But It gave me a sense of pouty kind of attitude, sometimes you just need to just talk to someone. COVID is teaching me more and more everyday the need for self-care.
The truth is I overslept, way too much. I am also limiting my caffeine by substantial amounts to the point I am like an addict to the point if I can’t get myself busy, I crave and pout about getting what I want. Although, today I had no one to pout to. So, I just crave and crave so much and I want to reach out really bad to someone. I fear the negative judgement if I do, so I refrain. I as one who should be leading the county as a former leadership in recovery award winner is afraid to ask for help when I need it.
Is it when I am asked for the twentieth time in a week “Are you taking your medicine?” Yes, yes I am, I know the adverse effects when I don’t and I don’t want to go sown that road again. I know I need to do something to keep me busy, so I do what is essential and don’t want to push any farther because I just don’t have the energy to do so, so I don’t. But I know it is essential to my mental health recovery to do so.
When I act agitated because I don’t have caffeine and hot food to numb the pain that I am feeling, I lash out at my parents. Its no fault of my own that I am in this situation, they just don’t know how to make me happy, although they say the ball is in my court and I have to be the one that wants to be happy and that I am doing no good by dwelling on the negative and making everyone else miserable.
You’re stressed but they can’t imagine why. They know I have it made, but I can’t see it, so they get mad because they think I should know I got it good. I ramble about running away, then they ask “Where are you going to go?” I stutter and don’t know, but in reality, is life that bad to the point that I want to give up all the good relations and opportunities that I have.
Some summarize it up to the point that I need to reach out, but who to and how? What do I complain with and to who? What will I expect in return, will I be squelched because I have an array of supports available, but don’t use them or the skills I learn from them properly? I know I need to kick this soda habit but it is kicking me in the but bad time. I know I need to better my health in the long run and take care of myself. I know everyone is concerned about my body weight as I am too. I have needed to stop this soda thing for some time, and it hurts, I just want to crawl in a ball and scream. I just want to be happy.
But it shouldn’t always be about me. I should care about others and let them, such as my parents have a good time and do things in their golden years that they enjoy and not have me center stage all the time. They should not have to worry about me. But COVID has taught me to be close to them and worry and that it does. Will I ever be in my next chapter? Will I do some things like I did before this all started? It seems like it’s never going to get that way.
Being under the constraints of COVID, is kicking my butt really hard, because I want it to be the way it was. My life back, time in the park, activities the way it was before this all started, I miss that and I think its having a detriment on my mental health, and me wanting to kick the soda habit, while I want to do it and know I need to, is a precursor for the bad times. I hope it gets better as times go on, because I need it to get better so I can get better.