Well another week has come and gone and I feel that I am FINALLY progressing mentally than the long slump that I have been for the almost seven months I have been living with my parents. As you see I had to abruptly, but gradually leave my housing situation at the time and it would gradually result, partly because of the current pandemic in residing with my parents. At first it was awkward because I didn’t have my own room for the first five months. The COVID-19 came and we were both sent home a month after the whole thing started.
First, I was deemed a non-essential employee and given time off, then the day program closed the next day. At first, we knew it would be closed for two weeks. Then as those two weeks passed, at work discussions of a voluntary layoff loomed, and then the day program went to a virtual format. Fortunately, my hours at my job was reduced at half, which I was extremely grateful.
For the next two and a half months, my parents’ spare room was the central focus point for computer access, except for my mother who made the dining room her office. It was trying at times as I didn’t have my own space and I couldn’t express my individuality, which I missed greatly. I was still not taking my medicine regularly (a little over two months of not missing a dose this week.) and it could have a subtle effect on the way I treated everyone. All this while in the process of getting my affairs in place and seeing if repairs were supposedly happening at my former residence, that were continually providing unfruitful results, therefore, with that and the inability of seeing a end to the COVID-19 Pandemic, I had to make the gruesome decision to close out my last chapter and move into my parents home to work on the pieces to rebuild my life from the ashes from the last.
Slowly as I settled on being here for the time being, I slowly began to feel at home and feel comfortable expressing my individuality, however I was somewhat off course in parts of my life in that regard and it resulted in me becoming a very negative person toward others, especially my family. As a result, it resulted in very drastic episodes with them to the point I understood the importance of medicating and sleeping regularly. That was a crucial learning point on the new journey.
Still, I was in a negative sense of feeling entitled as if my parents owed me for not only putting me in this situation, but for ALL the negative things that I did and didn’t let go. Everyone around me was getting worried about my actions that I was choosing. I know that all my followers do not believe in religion, and that is okay, but for me I have a clearing I need it in my recovery to be fruitful and be positive. It took to the point that I was texting my therapist late last night and she said that being nice will make it better, to put that energy in my interests (such as my blog), to stop the whining about what I don’t have and focus on what I DO have because so many do not have all the things I have.
Now, I now I have said this aforementioned sentence before, but she added that I was getting upset over simple things such the lifestyle choices my parents were making me change to, only because they were worried, and they have every right to. Something has come to light that I need to maintain a sense of positivity and just effing be nice so that not only we can all get along, but so we don’t have a cloud of negativity over this house and the effect of being trapped in a vacuum.
Now, I am slowly in the process of forgiving others. I have come to realize that people don’t put me in situations, but the end result is how I handle it. Reading the Bible has come a healthy thing of my recovery and is essential to starting my day in a positive way. It has also taught me many of life’s traits, including forgiveness, judgement, and so forth. With that being said, I am slowly in the process of understanding that I can’t be angry at people forever, and that the past is just that, the past, we have to learn and grow from it.
So today, when I saw someone that I had an issue with from that last chapter that weeks ago I would have despised for not taking care of the situation at hand, when they gave a cordial “hi” in the supercenter, I did the same. I have realized that I can’t feel guilty towards that person, that I have learned from my mistakes, and maybe forcing me to come back here is in turn reprogramming me to be a better person overall and resolving my issues to be a better person overall.
Yes, I could be mad at that person, but what good would it do for me. I have officially closed that chapter two months ago, and on a good note, so I can’t hold negative judgement and a grudge forever. It’s part of lessons that I need to learn and that I too need to do my research, be more proactive and less naïve towards others and be less narrow minded towards thoughts.
I won’t always get my way; some people know better than I and there is more than my solution