First of all, please forgive me, for not writing for a while. I, like many other autistics are dealing with the struggles of a stay at home order in a unfamiliar environment due to the Coronavirus. I will elaborate on that in another post.
The main reason I had an inkling on returning to the blog to write is because for several decades of my upbringing, I continually struggled with sacrificing for others although I may not like it. This very issue has been a hotbed of discussion between myself and my parents, more so since I have been staying with them for some time now. Unfortunately my home was having repairs and is again ready, however the Coronavirus has put a delay on me having some essential furniture moved in, so I am in a holding pattern until our state government reduces the stay-at home order.
With that being said, My parents do not think that I am grateful for their multitude of perceived ungratefulness has brought up several dis pleasures in their household. The main catalyst is that for several years growing up while running the acronym gamut of diagnoses as a child, most of the attention of my parents was given on myself. As such relationships not only between my parents and my sister and my parents had struggles at one point or another because so much attention was paid on me. Even after being diagnosed, for some years until early adulthood, no one totally understood the whole Asperger’s thing and alot of times in a rural area such as ours, they didn’t have a clue that it related even to Autism.
Nonetheless, as I somewhat matured over the years in my adolescence and my adulthood. I had several professionals, including my psychotherapist who I continue to have today since shortly being diagnosed continue to press the issue that I had a sense of entitlement. I continued for several years until I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago had a real grip of what that was and how it effects others. I seen it play out in several professional and personal relationships when I didn’t get what I wanted I would and still do to a point manifest a “poor me” attitude by driving negative thoughts in myself and acting it out on others oftentimes my parents. More recently it has with a culprit of a stay at home order has brought the need to fix one of my few remaining flaws.
Now to my parents, as many autistics have difficulty expressing feelings to to others is often the case. With me, if the moment strikes right, It will manifest itself in a proper fashion. For example, One night earlier this week before retiring for bed, I bantered out at my mother “I hate you!” She asked my why I would say something like that out of the blue. I simply did not know. She reacted by saying that in the 60 some years her parents were alive, she had never said that to her own parents. And I admired her parents (my grandparents) A LOT! They took my defense and I think they worried about me more than my parents did. She also asked what if she didn’t wake up in her sleep that night, how would I feel?
As I got into bed that night, I had some difficulty sleeping as it comes and goes. However, later I would burst into tears wondering WHAT IF, something happens to her?, WHAT IF that was the last word?, HOW WOULD I move on? Anyway, the next morning, I had a telehealth session with my therapist, which I do like under the circumstances (I’ll discuss this in a later post.) The situation and I would break out in tears. Also, before that appointment, my father had asked me for his assistance later that day, something I always have disliked. We talked about that like the two or three weeks before about making sacrifices for our family, friends and close ones and even if we don’t like it how rewarding it can be to ourselves as well as make them feel good too. Anyway this week I committed to making that change. Unfortunately, it would take some time to prove my thoughts because it would rain and those plans would change.
So we fast forward to 8 hours ago when I got up. It was one of those nights of having a watch party on Facebook, meaning I would get to sleep late. As I got up, the landline phone in the house would ring. As its never a human being, I would learn that my father would require my assistance. Just getting out of bed, I would be a little grumpy, but I would learn to move on and do as he would ask. As I was doing this very simple task (manning a farm gate), I would see some awes of nature that I deeply regretted having my camera for the “Kodak Moments”
Returning to the house, I felt the need to wash my bedclothes without prompts (a first), then as I would put them into the washer for them to run its cycle and upon completion of it. I would discover a load of bath towels that my parents would have placed in the dryer. Normally, I would have pulled them out of the dryer and walked away after doing what I would need to do (thinking about myself). However, I would not only take them out AND fold the towels (the way my parents taught me at a very young age), BUT I would carry them to the linen closet and put them away. I was proud and my parents were proud.
See, listening in therapy pays off and using those skills even more.