Being autistic is not something that comes easy. There are oftentimes more rough moments than the moments that shine. Even though the rough moments feel like they are the worst possible thing to happen to you, you have to remember that better days are ahead.
My life has certainly not been a straight line of travel or all successes. There have been those moments that I am not proud of. But what happens is in the past. We cannot change what happened, we have to learn from those challenging experiences, make better choices and not relive the past moments. That is easier said than done sometimes. Oftentimes, after the challenging times happen, we as autistic people deeply regret the way we previously acted and feel totally horrible for being that way.
For me, it seems more and more that I am this violent monster that is on a verbal trip of rage and it is very hard to come down off of the anger cloud. When someone counteracts with me, I just keep fighting back and the monster in me comes out in its verbal fury and the words really sting worse than any bee. The best and only solution is to divert away from the situation and calm down.
Also, there is a moment when you have to listen to what you have to do in order to maintain your state of calmness so that you do not react badly to stimuli. This has always been something that has been for me to digest. But in reality, I had to discover that I did not like seeing this angry, moody, aggressive, hostile and argumentative monster that leashed his verbal fury against those that agitated me.
It goes without saying that I believe that honestly I did have some kind of higher power watching over me at times when it did get tough that I have not had to interact with law enforcement or any other service system where my personal freedoms could be taken away. I do not always recognize how fortunate I have been when I get into these monstrous fights that do not get severe and too much out of hand. There are also the supporting warriors that step up to the plate and do whatever is needed, even if they are really “green” to the situation.
Sometimes there are ways of someone telling us that we need to get through the rough and do the necessary repair no matter how challenging it may be for us. It may not be easy at times and we may want to revert back to our old behaviors, but that only opens the doors for regression and causes the cycle to repeat over and over again. That is sort of what keeps me going in some sort of way. Because I know I can do it, even if it is not a popular thing or that things are really bad habits, sometimes you just have to change those habits up to make getting through the rough easier.
We all have our moments, sometimes they do not show the best in us. But, we have to prove that we can overcome them and do what we have to do to better ourselves, even if we it is something that we find challenging or impossible, we have to remember that I’M POSSIBLE and can do whatever necessary in order to make things right and my life better, because in the end it provides a better way of living for me, even if I cannot see it in that moment. Eventually, I will be a happier person who is way prouder of myself for doing the right thing in the long run.
Dustin's Dynasty 