Reflection: Seeing Past Negativity

As one who has had years of seeing things in a negative manner, it can many times be hard to see past the negative of a situation and allow my heart to be receptive to understanding that there are many good things in my life, although negative energy seems to always be at the forefront. I am slowly learning what to do in order to make the negative challenges more manageable for me.

Throughout my life, the faults, flaws and negative things that I had done in my life were always pointed out to me. Past treatment models were always sought on what solved these things and correcting them by recognizing that they were wrong. It meant and can still mean that things that we allow autistic things to do in these current times be seen as if they were wrong. It also attributes to the fact that early in life I ran a myriad of diagnoses until I received my autism diagnosis at 13.

Even after that, therapies were not up to speed to where they are today and as such, I was always instructed to mask what I was feeling or not do the things that autistic people do such as echolalia or other traits that sometimes got me into trouble. They were seen as wrong and as they are, I was never given the outlet to release my feelings that I had. This was further exacerbated by having a family dynamic that always called out what I was doing wrong. I cannot place blame on either of these factors as it was the way that parenting was or that therapists coached my parents into intervening.

However, with the deficit always being pointed out, what I was doing good was never brought to light. There were many things that were good that happened in my life and I had many opportunities, but my brain always went to the negative or challenging things and not seeing that I had and continue to have a pretty good life. Sometimes my parents would make this known, but it was usually after I spotlighted on how bad I thought my life was.

Alas, when things do not go the way that I think should happen or I play the pity party song in my mind and feel sorry for myself, it can be hard to see how far I have come in my life. It can also be hard to see that sometimes there are things that I can do to occupy my mind and not allow my headspace to continually see past the negative challenges, flaws or thoughts, albeit I am working on ways to cope better with them by obtaining and deploying the necessary coping skills to muster my way through the challenging moments in my life.

Because my brain is so deeply wired to continually see the negative in a situation, it can often feel as if the world is against me. But, I know I need to answer the signal to deploy the coping signals necessary to get through the challenges and negativity that I am facing in order to keep the negative energy from continuing to brew and boil over to where others can either feed off of it or see me at my worst. I know I am an example to many and when I allow my brain to run out of control on challenging or negative thoughts without controlling them, it can allow me to react negatively to others without understanding the reality of the situation at hand.

It can be hard sometimes to see past the negativity, but If I work to allow myself to be receptive to new coping skills and allow myself to reflect on the positive things in my life, my brain will slowly be rewired and these thoughts will hopefully diminish.

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