Being through all I have been through in life as an autistic adult, it can be hard to put away the things that were in our past. While they can be used as experiences, they are not elements of my life that I particularly like to continuously dwell in routinely in my life.
One time a pastor gave me a card that said that the meaning of my name was “Brave Fighter.” Over two decades ago, I didn’t think much of it but as time has progressed and I have experienced so much in my life, I think I must be one. I have fought reverently through so much in my life that I have this tough side of me that is somewhat delicately covered by the words, anxiety and many other facets of the conditions that I face routinely.
It can sometimes be hard to forgo the ways of the past and be open to new ways of thinking or interacting. It can be hard to imagine a life that is free of compounding issues and challenges that make it impossible to see some sort of glimmer of hope when for so long, all I did in life was complain about so much of the what I experienced in my life, I never want to recognize that I have so many positive things in my life going for me and to not look at all the faults and live so deeply rooted in the past.
Things have happened that have scarred me without a doubt. It takes time to repair the wounds that have been made from years of not knowing what was wrong with me, then not knowing how to make things better for me as time went on. I somehow managed to keep on going and sometimes looking back, I wonder how I kept up doing what I was doing for so long to make not only me, but others around me so miserable.
It is so easy to point out the flaws in my life because for so long those were what was stressed to me to fix, but I didn’t know or do what was needed to work on making things better for me and rid of the problems of my life. All things considered, I am pretty fortunate to have the dynamic I have, although sometimes flawed, it is getting better and the damage is being repaired.
I am starting to see a better side of life that I have never seen before. It seems unimaginable to think that there is life beyond where I have ever been. I have always seemed to want to cling on to the past for dear life and not try something new, but once I get used to it, life seems so much better for me in the end and I am doing so much better as a result.
Having a new sense of life seems surreal. It can be hard to realize that there is hope of an optimistic life and seeing life beyond where I have been ever on my own. I am back to where I should have been as my life was destined to do when I set forth to be on my own. I personally feel that I needed to experience the battles I faced to know how bad things really could be and COVID further exacerbated that effect, thus giving me a real lesson.
Regardless, I have to try to put as much as I can in the past and move on to bigger and better things. We didn’t get to this part of my life overnight and getting to better places will not be quick to reach either. More trial and error for sure will be on the continued road that we will travel down in my life. Nonetheless, I feel very blessed to be where I am today and am very happy with myself.