A Journal Entry

Make Time or Make Excuses

(CW/TW: Death, Suicidal Ideation)

This thing called autism, it can be the nicest thing and at the same time it can be quite messy.

Compounded by comorbidities, it sometimes makes making it through the day, or each hour challenging.

Oftentimes, I push doing off what I know is right because the comorbidity of anxiety brings me down so bad.

If something brings so much anxiety, I begin looping and ruminating and I mention things that hurt, like ideating about ending my life or death.

Ultimately, I only vocalize this to a handful of people, and you never know how much it hurts.

But 2023 has seemed like the year that death is more apparent than ever.

A few weeks ago, my mother attended three wakes in a week. Not to mention the numerous individuals that I have surveyed over the years leaving the world.

Yet, I flaunt the thought of suicide or death like it’s a household name.

And this morning, as I read my newspapers, I read another death of someone I knew from community college.

Sometimes, life brings us circumstances beyond our control or struggles we cannot handle.

Yet, through the years, we stayed friends on Facebook and anytime we passed each other he took the time to say hello to me. I will forever be grateful for that.

But it brings the same story as it always does. The people that him and everyone else that leave this earth leave.

Siblings, Children, Parents, Friends, Coworkers, Pets…Today, I feel the hurt they are experiencing.

Yet, I casually roll through life, making excuses about not doing things I need to do to better my life.

I fell a little off course last week, and while I could make a million excuses why I couldn’t do something like go to the gym, I knew I had to get up and go.

You see, you make time because you have to do what is right for you and take care of you!

Live life to the best. Because so many people in the world are hurting.

I am truly blessed and today, I will work my best at holding on a little closer to my life and the things I need to do to be well

As an autistic person posts on a Facebook group that life is worth living, I know it is true, always.

You Matter, You are loved. You are Enough.

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