Reflections: Being Happy With Life Now

After working to let go of what was over the past few weeks, I am beginning to learn to accept that I need to be thankful for where I am and that I am in a better place than the past. Although there were benefits to the past, the outcome now outweighs the struggles of the past.

As autistics, we often have a hard time letting go of things. We often think of one thing that makes something so great that when we do not have it anymore and have to settle for something that is not as appeasing, yet meets our needs, we are often angry with the need to have to change and accept things in the present moment for what they are.

Sometimes in the present situation that I am in, I sometimes get angry about the past instances where extra work or changes are required for me to live my life. It is hard to see past the things in past experiences that made them easier for me. It makes it even harder to let go of what was because you may have had some memories that made life a breeze without realizing that when you move on that things are better for you.

I know that I am in a better situation than the past, although sometimes I feel like it is a punishment that I got handed the bad hand in a card game. I feel that I cannot move on and do things that I know will make my life better because I cannot make a sense of happiness or see past what was even though I know I have a better life than what I had. I know going back to that situation as much as I wanted to, I would have never been truly at ease,

Alas, I know I have to make the best of what I am dealt. I cannot continue to dwell in negativity about the deal I have been handed, which I know was a true blessing of pure luck. It honestly can be hard to see that sometimes, but I know that my life is better because of it. If the other arrangements would have continued for much longer, I don’t think the outcome would have been as good as it is now.

Yet, I fear getting accustomed to this environment because it seems as if it is too good to be true sometimes, like it can be taken away from me if I do just one wrong thing. This is from the constant second guessing if someone is mad at me for something that I do in my own space. I always am super careful and as such follow the rules and conditions of my rental agreement to the letter. 

I always sense that meeting someone else that is connected to my home is going to call me out for something wrong I have done and not that they are just trying to be nice. My mind always goes to the worst possible scenario. This is for many things in my life and getting accustomed to something new becomes more challenging for that reason.

2023, however, is going to be the year that I make a change for the better because I need to. I cannot continue to live in fear because it is not rectifying the problem at hand, it is only making it worse. I have to move on with my life and realize that this is what has been handed to me, be thankful for it and live it as my best life. That may mean trying new things and while it can be difficult to fight that initial fear, once I become more comfortable with it, I know that I will be fine.

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