Adulting, Independence

Adulting: Rumination

For a majority of my life I have had periods of ruminating thoughts enter my headspace. Like last week’s adulting blog post on Intrusive thoughts, the intrusive thoughts become ruminating thoughts when the “loop” over and over in your headspace non-stop.

I experience ruminating thoughts almost daily. Many of these instances occur when past instances appear in my headspace when I relate something in the future to the past or when I second-guess if I did or act something appropriately. If I cannot bring myself out of the trap from which I at my worst times can dig myself reality deep into a trap of these feelings because of my inability to redirect myself out of looping these thoughts that I sometimes struggle with leaving my headspace.

When I as an autistic person is constantly in a state of second-guessing myself because I fear that I am always in the wrong from traumatic circumstances in the past, these can result in the deep rumination and as such I need to find ways to keep myself occupied in order to not keep worrying about things in many cases I cannot control. 

The last few years, I have had to practice radical acceptance in order to live through the motions that must be endured. Not doing so made daily living and interacting with others very difficult and I had to realize that there are things I just cannot control. However, I will often ruminate on thoughts where I think I can speak what is on my mind, but if I am in the right mindset, my brain will return to a sound state where I can think logically.

This is something that happens in many neurodiverse people and as a result I know that I am not the only one in this struggle, even though I often feel that I am alone because I am often alone when this happens. This can also be portrayed in scripting and stimming as a form to regulate oneself in order to manage the symptoms. Sometimes it can be more prevalent than not. Some keep it bottled up, which can result in a tragic outcome when it is “let out” of one’s mind later on. 

If not properly managed, it can become a serious life struggle and as such can be very paralyzing to the life of the neurodivergent person. Nonetheless, these thoughts are more intrusive in the autistic population and if not able to be regulated can result in a meltdown or other less desirable outcome for oneself. It is best to address the issues with professionals when they arise in order to approach this in the best way possible.

For me, this in turn comes heavily with transition, especially in circumstances that are unknown to me and cause my anxiety to skyrocket at times. Having intrusive, then ruminating on many thoughts that were in the past or are just untrue just causes an undue burden on me and depletes time from my life that could be used in a more healthy or constructive manner than excessively thinking about something that is totally impossible or cannot be changed.

It is knowing that there is a tomorrow and that I need to focus on what is in the present and not hold on so much to the past or what I cannot control.It is understanding that this too shall pass, eventually and it like many other things are just a part of being autistic.

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