Not Falling Back

Sometimes as autistic people, we are gullible to believe everything we hear and think something may work for us. In reality, it can be more damaging than you can imagine and the time to bounce back from where you were is a challenge. Three years from hitting rock bottom, I hope I can keep moving forward and less backwards.

With the invention of the online world and individuals creating content, it can make someone like me gullible to do things that I may not understand the consequences they bring. While they may seem like innocent things in the beginning, over time they crumple down and others see the effects of falling into the traps of what you fell for. It can be hard not only as an autistic adult to believe that something is just too good to be true and the hard reality that we need to reel back to do what is needed to be real.

What I may feel sometimes are payoffs by doing things that I think are beneficial to what I need to do as an adult in the end only make me bitter and miserable and a person who cannot follow through with the things that need to be done. Although those that know continue to tell me that I was going down the wrong path and would eventually end up at rock bottom as I was nearly three years ago, I have a hard time understanding. 

It is living in anger and fear that even though I am an adult, I do not see myself that way. I see the things that adults do in a childish manner and that I am a bad person for needing to do something that many adults do already. Just for me, autism makes it harder to do and see it as an adult thing. I must understand that being an adult that lives on his own comes with being responsible and doing the things I need to do to support myself and be a good neighbor to others.

I cannot continue in this state of feeling sorry for myself because I have to grow up and do something that in my childish mind seems childish. I must realize that I have to be responsible to not only me, but others around me by doing the right thing. I am a good person and having the right tools, help and techniques makes me a better person to be around. I know when I do not take care of myself, these qualities do not happen and as a result are only worse. Others eventually catch on to my behavior and see the damage I am doing to myself and it can be hard to hear the truth of what I am doing. It is not because they are out to get me as I think, it is because they care for me and want to support me in the best way that they can. They want me to be well and do what is necessary to be the best person I can be.

It is when I am not my best that I am my worst critic. I am unable to see the good in anything. I will magnify, catastrophize and overreact to things that are simply miniscule. Everyone worries about me greatly and it is hard to see past that when I am not in my right mind or are rebounding from crashing. It takes some time to rebound from crashing at my worst. Extra time is needed to recharge my internal battery and be the person that I truly am. When this happens it is best not to engage with me and fuel the fire because it does not help the situation.

It is not falling back, looping or falling into the trap. It is getting out, staying above and flat on the ground. It takes time to get there and hopefully it gets easier within time. I know it needs to be.