I will have to admit for the better part of four years, not being coherent with my medication regimen has wreaked havoc with my mood stability constantly. This in turn makes life for me very volatile and as a result things lack in getting done and eventually the bottom falls out. I am slowly realizing that I need to get on track once and for all to have optimum wellness.
While I had a good “stint” the past four weeks, until the past week, I relapsed a bit and eventually caught up to me until I accepted to get back on track a week ago. This causes a severe need to recharge from the damage that was done over a period of time. However, there were times I had a dream where things happened that I could not repair myself from the wrongdoings I was making. While in the present moment of this writing understand the necessity of adhering to my medication regimen and preventing further damage.
What I have learned in the last bout of what some call “playing around” is that my mood is like a roller coaster when there is no adherence to the regimen. It goes up and down and my lack of care for myself and others falls apart. It takes a few days to repair from the damage that I do and honestly, it has been years that I have gone more than two weeks at strictly adhering to my medication regimen.
This greatly affects my mood. I “snap” at people I feel need to take it that are in my close circle. I want to verbally attack them because I am miserable and I feel that they need to be there in my company and I beg for their attention like a little puppy dog. When I am in my right mind, I know that this is not the way to get attention and positive attention at that. I know that I need to direct my attention to positive energy. For years continually seeing nothing but negative energy and now being faced with more positive things is hard to fathom. It feels like I don’t deserve the things in my life that I have been provided.
I know in essence that I do not want to live in a cycle of toxicity and misery and that not taking the medicine I have been fighting with the past three or so years is the culprit to things not being in a good spot. I know that my mood declines and I am volatile and react to things harder. I know I often ruminate on things in a trap of self-pity because that is all my mind can think of. In that mind it is focusing more on the wrong and not focusing on keeping engaged.
For me, my brain needs constant engagement or entertainment. Without it, I start to fall into the trap of negativity and the loop of untrue intrusive thoughts play again and again nonstop. It is knowing that things happen and I have to take care of things as I see fit. It is following the medication regimen and within time, hopefully I can finally make it a more constant reality. I am tired of this trap I keep climbing in and out of with hardly no sight of getting on level ground
I know that doing what I was doing for so long only accelerates things, making me more prone to others noticing my negative behavior and treating people miserable. No one deserves that. I have come so far in the past four years yet there is a part that is not totally grounded within me that I need to finally close the door on for good. I finally deserve to have the freedom I deserve and be well for once and not second guess things because I know that I was purposely being unwell.
I am hoping that as we continue in 2023 that we continue with more better days and less bad days. I know that takes time to make things a habit and feeling more of the positive effects of the things of my wellness will hopefully give me the drive to keep on going.