When you enter life on your own, having freedom can either be good for you or bite you in the tail. Over the past four years, it spun me into rock bottom and I had to pick up the pieces. It also made me realize that I had to define who I was and how to take care of myself.
In my writings over the past two years, I have often covered many times how I declined mentally by not following my medication regimen and thus, in combination of that and many other factors the bottom fell out and I went into crisis over two years ago. It has taken me in the course of the past nearly two and some years to get back to where I am today. It has been trial and error. But ultimately, it has taken accepting the fact that I am who I am for what I am and that I had to define who I am and what I need to do to be my best person right now.
Nothing is perfect in life and I had to accept the fact nor can I be perfect. But I had to get to some sort of manageable level so I and those around me can live the best life possible. I remember that person that I was over the past few years and beyond and during my last meltdown in 2021 when others saw me that way, that I didn’t want them to see me as the spoiled little brat that couldn’t handle himself by not taking care of himself and not really walking the walk. If I said I was walking the walk and making strides, then I had to live that way.
I had to also accept that there are things in life that I can control and there are things I cannot control. This made me realize that I couldn’t let the things I couldn’t control get in the way of my personal needs and wants and that some things are going to be just what they are, whether I would like them to be a certain way or not. It is knowing that as long as my needs are met and I am safe, free from harm then I have to be the adult in the situation and lead by example.
It has taken learning what I need to do for me to be well, what works and taking out of my life what doesn’t work. This can mean defining boundaries with those that cause me to be unwell or hinder my progress, in fact it has helped me focus more on being the best I can be. While I realize that setting and defining boundaries can be difficult to maintain and not give into others trying to knock down the walls, I know that I am better keeping those walls up and not opening the gate to making myself vulnerable again to the journeys that I was on.
There is so much out in the world beyond the small things that you continually keep in the closer circles.Having boundaries for me meant that I did not have to entertain something just to have it and that more than likely there are better things out there for me if I allow myself to be willing to try new things with my life. While change in routine can be difficult in myself, I have realized that we are not continually promised everything in life to always go the way it needs to or be there forever in our lives. Things change and while it can be hard to always accept that, it can sometimes be a reality that in the end can make things better for me mentally.
It can be sometimes because of change that makes me define who I am as a person and realize that I do not have to continually entertain something, especially if it is unhealthy for me. There is a world of potential out there and I need to focus more on myself while taking care of the world. It means that I have to be the best person that I can without caring what people want me to be.