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Adulting, Independence

Adulting: Purpose

I am not surprised that I haven’t written about having a purpose as the  topic for the weekly adulting post of my blog. Sometimes, you just have the epiphany to know about something that you just have to share it. Last week was one of those moments where I learned I need to have purpose in my life.

Gradually over the course of the pandemic, the composition of the front line staff along with what family members did daily has changed., Having these changes occur in my life has cause havoc at times in my mental health and because until recently I was not taking care of my mental health, I would react adversely to things being changed compared to the past.

Myself, having anxiety, I will often turn to wanting to run away from what I thought I would not to be around without seeing that I needed to find healthier ways to cope with the challenging situations at hand, It is the way of the situation at hand and it took me a long time to accept that these circumstances are beyond my control. Additionally I had to realize that my anxiety was also causing me to overreact to things that were not as bad as I made them out to be.

I would often script detrimental things in order to seek the attention of those in my close circle as a way of getting attention and having them think of me being totally isolated would be the ultimate solution to my perceived anxiety. It would ensue in continual back and forth and extensive pre-event anxiety just to get through the normal routine because of these perceived notions.  It would be heartache for those in my close circle of me omitting this continual negative attention that was baseless and would not have a positive outcome.

It would be until I would have encounters in therapy about the need to have purpose not only for a sense of having a way to keep my brain entertained, but to prevent me from continuously eating mindlessly, something that I struggle with if not managed. As much as I had been in denial about it for over a year, I had to admit that I am in the right place where I need to be, at least for not and to get myself grounded so I can be better when I need to work on tougher goals.

In addition to hearing this from those in my close circle, I also watched a documentary on my local PBS affiliate last week called Autism: Aging Out. It highlighted several individuals with varying needs across the spectrum and that it is good to have purpose along with being included in the community rather than being isolated and not getting the things that neurotypicals get otherwise. It is how my brain works and that having purpose is necessary in order to continually have something to look forward to and to be able to schedule some time to relax. It is a healthy balance of keeping engaged. 

I have spent very little in my adulthood in the phase of being at home isolated continuously, and hardly any on my own, but I know that I do not manage it well of I do not have a schedule or purpose to fill the void of the day. Yes, I do have down time, but to have it continuously would be a recipe for disaster and could lead to drastic outcomes.

The staples that hold my purpose, the work and day program are better than they ever have been despite the struggles they’ve been facing, I also know that reacting or causing a scene like my mind wants me to automatically do will not have the fix or outcome that I totally desire. I have realized that not keeping the purpose that I have could result in things becoming worse physically and mentally.

Additionally, I have accepted the fact that going to meltdown can have an effect on the way that others view me as a person. Despite me being genuine about my autism, I have came a long way over the past several decades to learn the skills to where I react has been lately only within my very close circle and mostly in the manner of being verbally abusive, which no one blood or friend deserves.

It is seen as a way of managing my behaviors so that I know while many may see it as wrong, it has a ripple effect on not only the energy in the room, but also the existence of maintaining the status I have with something and my value to the situation. I have realized that if I want to move forward gracefully, it is not valuable to cause or feed negative energy that could have a drastic outcome.

It is important to have purpose in life to maintain all dimensions of wellness so that I or anyone doesn’t fall into a decline of well-being and ultimately lose everything that they have worked for, It sometimes takes having a recall, or an epiphany to realize that I have life pretty good and that purpose is a pretty essential thing to learn as you age out of the educational system.

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