I am accepting and learning that in order to stop feeling so miserable about my life that I need to reframe former behaviors that I once had from happening in my life. It is no one’s fault for those behaviors, it was the fact that I valued them more than they needed to.
While November has been better months than several in the past, it wasn’t without its flawed and irrational thoughts that play over and over in my head like a broken record. These are the thoughts that my brain entertains me with and as such they can intensify and at times be very challenging to where if I do not reframe them can spiral out of control.
I know I did not get to this point overnight. I have my moments when I fall into the trap of wanting to feel like a little kid and do things that resemble childish behaviors like not taking my medicine due to the fact of the way I lived with my parents and their constant reassurance whether I took it. I looked at it as if they wanted me to be who they wanted me to be and not give me a chance for my freedom. I had to take several years to discover that I needed to live life the way I wanted to and that the medicine is good for me to be well, despite what irrational thoughts I was told years ago, I know I am in a better place because of it and reframing my way out of the ‘not-ok child’ is something that needs to stop.
There are things that happen each week that make me more prone to falling out of my regimen, especially at night and before having to start the workweek. I am slowly grasping the radical acceptance that things have to be the way that they have to be right now as the world and other elements of my life are enduring things beyond my control. I know I need to be there for those dependent on me so that I have a purpose, because without a purpose I know that my mental and physical stability will decline for the worst, no matter how much I want to deny it, I know it is a truth that needs to be radically accepted for what it is.
Despite what I want to believe, my life is pretty good, despite my brain always wanting to point out the bad things that aren’t really true. My safety is not in peril nor are my rights being violated, yet I think at times I have these flawed thoughts as if I am treated horribly, when in fact I know that things are better than they have ever been. This stems from years of constantly being told others’ flawed thoughts without the ability to be able to decipher the truth of any given situation. This is another autistic trait that many struggle with and I am no casualty to this either and it affected me dearly. I am finally in a place where I have rebuilt my life to be mine where I can think for myself on my own and understand the point of any given situation from the true point and not what I am being fed.
I always want negative attention particularly from those in my close circle to validate me to make the big exit from the external responsibilities in my life, as if I want a way out of what I think is something so bad that it is a problem, when in fact there is nothing wrong, things are as best as they have ever been. I know that it is learned behavior and that it needs to be re-framed so that I can do what I need to do to live my best life possible to the fullest extent possible.