A Journal Entry, Independence, Sleep

Accepting & Moving On

As an autstic adult, understanding that things happen can be a struggle to forget. My brain wants me to be hard on myself for the things that I am not perfect or not my best at. I am slowly learning to accept things for what they are while knowing my best and moving forward.

While recently I have needed to accept the fact that the a medication that I take before bed is necessary in my life and since knowing of its necessity had been on it for a week before a rough few moments where I disregarded the window for taking it the 8th day and while I did get some sleep, it was not enough even though I got back on track in short order.

The next day, while my brain was not flawed, I accepted that I needed to know that when falling asleep just to take the medicine even I feel miserable. I learned at the end of the workday that as I was scheduled for the day program the next day that I would have to be ready to board the van at an early hour where I could not guarantee that I could get an adequate amount of sleep to be in good spirits for the day. Therefore, I canceled my scheduled day because I knew it was better for me to do so. I felt as if I would be judged for my lack of involvement there in recent weeks. But I know that is a result of my overthinking and I was reassured that it would be best for me to get some rest.

I let the rest of the day play out and I got to bed early because essentially I was restless and was really tired. After sleeping for nearly 11 hours, I knew that I made a good decision. Yes, I felt sorry that I couldn’t be there for my peers and mentors, but in reality it was the mentors that were encouraging the need for me to get some rest as they know it is needed.

As I age, I have to remember that in the four years  of playing with my medicine all the sleep that I indeed lost, especially in the time of my first home where I really struggled. This last time was genuinely a time that I indeed forgot to take my medicine not because I was thinking flawed thoughts but because I didn’t think that I would fall asleep. I guess the stress that I was under at the time caused my sleep and I have accepted the need to be more cognizant of the need to take my medicine. I have alarms set, reminders, everything. I now realize that I have to take additional protective measures, particularly in my sleeping space where this is often prone to happen to try to stop it from happening as I now see it as an issue. 

We are all human and make mistakes and I am no exception. I have been down a long road with the battle of adhering to this medication. As I was at my worst at the height of the COVID lockdowns in 2020, acceptance got better to understanding that it was needed to do activities increased then in the last few weeks the flawed thoughts dissipate, realizing that I am  a better person because of the medicine and that it has been proven over decades that it is the right thing to do. Now I am accepting the problem areas around being forgetful and the need to remediate issues that arise as a result of not being aware of them. 

Indeed, I am learning, growing and bouncing back from the adversities that were faced of the battle that is no longer recognized as a battle, yet it was recognized as  something that needed to be addressed a long time ago before it got out of hand. Regardless, I have accepted it and I know I need to move forward or otherwise seek out help and not back down,

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