Blue Knob State Park PA Family Cabin Shower House
A Journal Entry, Open Topic

My Constant Journey With Self-Esteem and Negative Thoughts

Our mind can be our own worst enemy. For me, I have experienced decades of being told what I did wrong and the bad things I was, this in turn has lowered my self-esteem greatly, yet I am working on turning my thought patterns around.

Over the last few weeks as a result of continual overthinking and overeating, I was told to keep a thought journal. At first, because of my state of mind at the time, I thought it was a “waste”, but once being of a sounder mind, I began to see the benefits of keeping such a journal.

I have seen that what I think continually isn’t really as bad as I project it to be. I just think it is so bad that I can think of nothing else and the thought repeats itself over and over again until I find something to divert myself from it. Some of these thoughts are about things in the fabric of my weekly routine that I cannot change or that I have a skewed history of because of past events or thoughts passed down from others and I am unable to see the whole picture, just what I am thinking in those few words at that very moment. It can be scary and I am lucky that I have acquired such a filter as to not act out verbally on some of these thoughts I think of, and I now understand the importance the medication I take for my mood and impulsivity plays in being able to keep the filter on thoughts that should not be said.

Another thing that I have recently discovered is that I often use slurs or phrases to refer to what I am in life like the “R” slur (I must say that I am totally against using it at anyone or anyone saying it, period! – it is just what my brain has told me over the years.) and the other widely used phrase “ a worthless POS” (draw your own conclusion on the acronym that I used to replace the vulgar word.) In reality, I know that I am not either of these things and now knowing and seeing these thoughts constantly makes me realize what individuals that were given that slur, in newspapers I might add from what I have seen have felt like! I now realize why this is important!

Back to my life seeing these things makes me realize that I need to have a positive spin on things for the better. By choosing to point out all the negative things in the things in my life will only bring me further down in my self-esteem pit and I will never be able to climb out of it if I don’t make the right call and choose to be thankful, grateful and positive for the things that I have in life and the person that I have become.

I have so much and conquered many things in life to get where I am today. It can be easy to balk at things we dislike because they are harder to start or do. They may present a challenge for us, but once we feel comfortable, we love it. I have done this many times in my life to make it what it is. Yes, sometimes, the fear got to the best of me and I backed down, but as I said earlier this week, I need to expand my horizons a bit and live a little, but ultimately, be happy doing it.

Being miserable all the time and pointing out all the things wrong or bad in life will only dig the pitiful pit deeper and deeper until you bury yourself in misery. Sometimes others will want to toss misery on you just to get even or join you, but you must know that it will only bring you further down and cause you to take it out on others because you are miserable and people don’t deserve your negative energy and reactions because you choose that way to live. 

I know that I have some growing to do in this regard it is getting a little better some days and some days it can be still challenging, but I am bouncing back better from the adverse situations that are created in the course of a day. Making small progress and realizing your issues is better than staying the same or getting worse, and those thoughts will eventually disappear!

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