If you have been following my blog since the early beginnings of routine writings last year, I spoke early about autonomy. At that time, I had heard that from an advocate on Facebook and I thought what it meant, but last week, I am starting to really feel what I want it to mean.
When I wrote that article 13 months ago, I thought I had a grasp of what it was. Honestly, I was in a shaky spot to be quite honest. I was in a state of in and out clarity and was continually being led into a direction by who I thought was a friend, but it would be some months later that I would finally build a boundary around that person, and due to various reasons still have to at this point.
Regardless, I never thought of autonomy deeply until recently. In my world, because I presently do not drive and have to be transported in all instances where I cannot walk on my own, I feel deeply controlled and influenced by others and because many people, including family that cares for me and wants to see my best interests, I oftentimes do as they say, although I am starting to adult more as far as making choices for myself, but in fact I do struggle at times because I value many things off of my parents wishes. I guess living under their roof for the better part of my life has set me back a good bit as far as loosening up my ability more.
However, proudly, I am getting out more and doing more things routinely again, sometimes on my own and other times with the assistance of my family. Additionally, I am communicating more with others both in-person and technologically. I am understanding my limits more and knowing what is right, by the standards that I set and am defining even more personal boundaries since breaking free from being tied down by negative influences over half a year ago.
I know that more freedom will come within time and that is why, although I have a love-hate relationship with going through the weekly motions, I continue with them, because I know I need to continue to get more back on track since my nearly four ordeal with my medication (we will be at two weeks today!) and continue to grow and get my stuff together,
I guess in what sense has entertained the thought of having autonomy and making choices for oneself is the fact that I have spent the last few weeks watching various outdoor vloggers on YouTube. I have found a niche for watching them, mostly individuals do things such as recreating at tourist destinations or exploring things.
While I know that it will be some time in my life before I have my own automobile because I am continuing to work through my struggles with my mental health conditions and the issues I face, I want to do those things at some point in my life and I know I don’t have to be in a hurry to get there, but I just turned 37, my parents are senior citizens and I often wonder about being trapped in my home relying on others to navigate to places that my own two feet will not be able to move me to.
I am interested in many of the things that those that I watch on YouTube do. Yet, I feel that I may never be able to do those things because I am held back from making choices that others may not think are wise. Yes, I realize that I need to work on some things, I am not denying that and in reality, I can be a very logical person. I have many of the same rights as any other person, it just feels as if I do not because of the inability to transport myself other than via my own two feet.
Many people who have these similar challenges have the same sentiments as I do. I just have a feeling down inside that I want to do the same things as I see on YouTube do, because I find it interesting and know that I will fall in love in it, maybe it is my gig when no longer have to work, I don’t know, but if it means even breaking down those dreams into smaller achievable dreams that can be conquered at a more manageable pace, then be it so.
For the past few years, I have lost hope in having my own life, but now I am very hopeful since starting on a better path to stability that I can do what is necessary to adult and have somewhat of a life that I can find enjoyable and totally independent someday, so those that care for me can be at peace someday not having to worry if I am cared for or safe.